Wednesday, November 30, 2011
Proverbs 22:3
The prudent see danger and take refuge, but the simple keep going and pay the penalty.
Saturday, November 26, 2011
Quote from odb.org
Sure it takes a lot of courage to put things in God’s hands,
To give ourselves completely, our lives, our hopes, our plans;
To follow where He leads us and make His will our own;
But all it takes is foolishness to go the way alone! —Kline
To give ourselves completely, our lives, our hopes, our plans;
To follow where He leads us and make His will our own;
But all it takes is foolishness to go the way alone! —Kline
Friday, November 25, 2011
The hell weeks dawn upon the calender, and plunges the previous weeks into darkness, all which were merely the calm before the storm.
One thing that makes this year's assignments difficult to just hold your breath and charge through is the fact that we need a certain amount of time in preparation for our assignments. They require either a time period of observation before analysis, a series of video recordings (each being at least 20mins long), or interviewing someone not dirrectly connected to school. Not to mention that we still have other regular common tests,essays and weekly submissions to take care of. Feels overwhelming. An all too familiar feeling. But I pulled through before, just hope I can say the same again.
Saw Sher and Winston under going gym-orientation the other day while I was gyming with lukky. They didn't see me cos I was lying down on the bench and hidden by a pillar, but I saw them as I entered. Looking forward to gyming with them soon. I won't be surprised if Sher suddenly deadlifts 100kg or so...she has a swimmers bod since young and isimpressively strong for a girl even though she's slim.
Unsure what else to write...
Hmmm.... now i'm just thinking how it feels like I've gained a lot, but have lost almost all I used to be. Ironically slow-fade by casting crowns was always one of my favourite songs back in sec scl. "people never crumble in a day"- a phrase that is repeated on and on again throughout the song. Guess that what happens when I get sucked into the context of the song without paying attention to what's in between the lines.
I know I've got a lot of work to do... But I just don't feel like it. Sighs....
Its such a familiar feeling of wishing I could just go to sleep and never wake up... Now that I think about it, I think I remember why I walked away from God in the first place. I was praying for months to die and escape this world. When I didn't die literally, I got mad at God... Wow I'm such a mess up.
~+~Feeling quite restless now~+~
Perhaps I'll go sleep for a bit. maybe thats just what I need..z zz z z z zzzzZZZZZZZZZZ Z Z ZZZZZ
Saw Sher and Winston under going gym-orientation the other day while I was gyming with lukky. They didn't see me cos I was lying down on the bench and hidden by a pillar, but I saw them as I entered. Looking forward to gyming with them soon. I won't be surprised if Sher suddenly deadlifts 100kg or so...she has a swimmers bod since young and isimpressively strong for a girl even though she's slim.
Unsure what else to write...
Hmmm.... now i'm just thinking how it feels like I've gained a lot, but have lost almost all I used to be. Ironically slow-fade by casting crowns was always one of my favourite songs back in sec scl. "people never crumble in a day"- a phrase that is repeated on and on again throughout the song. Guess that what happens when I get sucked into the context of the song without paying attention to what's in between the lines.
I know I've got a lot of work to do... But I just don't feel like it. Sighs....
Its such a familiar feeling of wishing I could just go to sleep and never wake up... Now that I think about it, I think I remember why I walked away from God in the first place. I was praying for months to die and escape this world. When I didn't die literally, I got mad at God... Wow I'm such a mess up.
~+~Feeling quite restless now~+~
Perhaps I'll go sleep for a bit. maybe thats just what I need..z zz z z z zzzzZZZZZZZZZZ Z Z ZZZZZ
Quick post: Role model (maybe not so quick after all [after 15mins of typing])
In the short time I've known CT, I've grown quite an admiration for her. While I admit I may have had a bit of a crush at first, now I sorta see her more as an older sister.(Is that weird?) She has a lot of qualities I admire and I feel motivated to try to follow in her foot steps (except where my interests are different from hers). I guess one thing I've gotta thank God for is giving me a role model again. Back in sec scl I either looked up to Darryl or Daniel or Jia ming; all my BB bros. Since poly I realised I never actually knew enough about anyone to admire and look up to. Now I have someone to look up to as an example again; pretty motivating to have that sense of direction again. Once again my spiritual life is accelerating...feels great. I'm only worried about a back slide. I always recover strong but slow down exhausted in this. Looking at CT as a role model, I've wondered about how vulnerable I'd be if I were to see my role model herself back slide. In the process, I'm trying to train myself to be more headstrong. Plus I feel a lot more independent this semester in other areas of my life too.
Recently tried getting closer to Christ again. Was really surprised; despite how long I've turned away, the moment I was willing to walk back, he was waiting. In just a few quiet times, I've felt him, and in some ways I saw him (well I didn't see him, but there was a surge of light definitely distinct from power failures). Suddenly I felt a warm comfortable glow radiating from my core, at the same time, even though my eyes were looking at the floor at they were closed, it suddenly got a lot brighter. Like I was staring straight at the Sun. I know for sure there was no one else there who could have been faking it cos I was at a very isolated place where every bit of sound would echo. When I was done with my quiet time, I opened my eyes and the lights in the area were still regularly bright. I didn't see anything else which could have lit up the area like I experienced through my closed eye-lids. And the warmth radiating in me was still there and comfortable. Felt really touched, its the "I know I really don't deserve it but I appreciate it" sort of feeling.
I did my quiet time on "Choices", a book that I didn't finish with my bible study group the last time=x
But the one chapter that stood out was "Singleness". It wasn't anything new to me, but it was reassurance. After deciding for sure I wanna remain single (at least for a good long time) that chapter was very much reassuring to me. Especially the part about being able to make decisions just for myself without having to worry about how much time I'm giving someone else. I think that was the chapter I previously started but didn't complete. Surprised to be able to find this book lying under a lot of my previous psych text books.
UO says I gotta find "food" on campus because it'l be easier for me to eat and I won't starve.
Emailed Christian Fellowship, spoke to a coursemate in Campus crusade, and requested to FB join NP SYFC. Frankly speaking, I don't think the first and the latter will work out. But I've got alot of hope in Campus crusade. The people there have been friendly. I have guy friends there too so even if I get anxious about the girls, I can choose to ignore them. Besides, some of the girls, I've heard, are actually course-mates; whom I'd really gotten accustomed too during the Hong Kong trip. Plus they are the ones that seem to sit behind me in almost every lecture; so its a lot better than having all the girls there being complete strangers. Looking forward to wednesday 6pm at blk 50 #01-01.
Wed 6pm=x my Song composing club is at 6.30pm. Well, my band is kinda taking a break anyway, after a chain of events; such as members suddenly going off to do soul-searching and stuff. Thought it was ridiculous at first, but then, I realised it may have been all too coincidental. What if perhaps God had been coordinating my return longer than I realized. I guess it gives me time to focus on serving God with music rather than just serving music. I'm abit tired of always being told to down-strum in the songs my band composes anyway. Maybe I might turn out to be a guitarist in a worship group. My dad has been pushing me to play guitar for worship for around the past 3-4months. Yeah, really too coincidental.
Well, gotta go, I have a behavior modification E-blog to finish (D=), a disabled contact to call for an interview for managing disabilities (D=), begin observation for baseline assessment for Behavior mod(D=), write a follow-up critique for legal frameworks on a debate about animal testing (D=), and study for Behavior mod test on Tuesday(DDDD=). Gosh, Behavior Mod is being a real arse these 2 weeks. Thats what you get when the lecturer falls sick for 1 mnth and gives assignments before then, and a replacement lecturer comes in and gives more assignments, and then the original comes back and gives more assignments. DDDDDDDDD= gonna have a busy weekend.
Recently tried getting closer to Christ again. Was really surprised; despite how long I've turned away, the moment I was willing to walk back, he was waiting. In just a few quiet times, I've felt him, and in some ways I saw him (well I didn't see him, but there was a surge of light definitely distinct from power failures). Suddenly I felt a warm comfortable glow radiating from my core, at the same time, even though my eyes were looking at the floor at they were closed, it suddenly got a lot brighter. Like I was staring straight at the Sun. I know for sure there was no one else there who could have been faking it cos I was at a very isolated place where every bit of sound would echo. When I was done with my quiet time, I opened my eyes and the lights in the area were still regularly bright. I didn't see anything else which could have lit up the area like I experienced through my closed eye-lids. And the warmth radiating in me was still there and comfortable. Felt really touched, its the "I know I really don't deserve it but I appreciate it" sort of feeling.
I did my quiet time on "Choices", a book that I didn't finish with my bible study group the last time=x
But the one chapter that stood out was "Singleness". It wasn't anything new to me, but it was reassurance. After deciding for sure I wanna remain single (at least for a good long time) that chapter was very much reassuring to me. Especially the part about being able to make decisions just for myself without having to worry about how much time I'm giving someone else. I think that was the chapter I previously started but didn't complete. Surprised to be able to find this book lying under a lot of my previous psych text books.
UO says I gotta find "food" on campus because it'l be easier for me to eat and I won't starve.
Emailed Christian Fellowship, spoke to a coursemate in Campus crusade, and requested to FB join NP SYFC. Frankly speaking, I don't think the first and the latter will work out. But I've got alot of hope in Campus crusade. The people there have been friendly. I have guy friends there too so even if I get anxious about the girls, I can choose to ignore them. Besides, some of the girls, I've heard, are actually course-mates; whom I'd really gotten accustomed too during the Hong Kong trip. Plus they are the ones that seem to sit behind me in almost every lecture; so its a lot better than having all the girls there being complete strangers. Looking forward to wednesday 6pm at blk 50 #01-01.
Wed 6pm=x my Song composing club is at 6.30pm. Well, my band is kinda taking a break anyway, after a chain of events; such as members suddenly going off to do soul-searching and stuff. Thought it was ridiculous at first, but then, I realised it may have been all too coincidental. What if perhaps God had been coordinating my return longer than I realized. I guess it gives me time to focus on serving God with music rather than just serving music. I'm abit tired of always being told to down-strum in the songs my band composes anyway. Maybe I might turn out to be a guitarist in a worship group. My dad has been pushing me to play guitar for worship for around the past 3-4months. Yeah, really too coincidental.
Well, gotta go, I have a behavior modification E-blog to finish (D=), a disabled contact to call for an interview for managing disabilities (D=), begin observation for baseline assessment for Behavior mod(D=), write a follow-up critique for legal frameworks on a debate about animal testing (D=), and study for Behavior mod test on Tuesday(DDDD=). Gosh, Behavior Mod is being a real arse these 2 weeks. Thats what you get when the lecturer falls sick for 1 mnth and gives assignments before then, and a replacement lecturer comes in and gives more assignments, and then the original comes back and gives more assignments. DDDDDDDDD= gonna have a busy weekend.
Tuesday, November 22, 2011
Trying to pull my soul back together again.
A desperate grasp, straining to hold all ends together, even as the vines of the rope begin to unwind and snap. You let out a cry as your muscles begin to cramp but you tell yourself you simply cannot let go.
~+~=~+~=~+~=~+~=~+~=~+~=~+~=~+~=~+~=~+~=~+~=~+~=~+~=~+~=~+~=~+~=~+~=~+~
Well, as the title suggests, I've decided I've gotta try to pull my spiritual life back together again. Every thing's been working out good for me, I feel satisfied with my studies (ups and downs), I feel better in many ways, but I continue to feel this straining emptiness in my heart.
Many small events have made me look back at myself and wonder how far from who I was have I become.
Just a couple of weeks back, BB was collecting donations for their Annual Sharity Gift Box. One extension of this was the Ngee Ann polytechnic Division of BB primers setting up booths around campus to collect these donations. When I saw them, they looked so bright and awesome in their BB primers Mufti-attire (polo-T and blue-longs with sport shoes). When I got back home later that day, I went straight to my cupboard, took out my own primer's polo-T and just stared at it; thinking about my past with my bros, how slowly but surely I strayed away from all that into other time commitments.
Last Wednesday, after the weekly song composing club gathering, I happened to see this circle of students gathered on the floor. It somewhere between 8-9pm then and a group of us were walking through "Munch" block when we saw them. about a dozen of them, one with a guitar on her lap, the rest with song sheets in front of them. They were singing moderately soft but it didn't sound like typical professional "choir" sort of singing, so I guessed they were there as a cell group or fellowship group. It just brought back a lot of memories, and I felt like I wanted to join them, even thought some of my CCA mates laughed at them. It wasn't about the skill in the music they played, it was about the heart and soul involved. Mine's been pretty badly distorted. Not that its noticeable, but from a spiritual perspective, I've gone totally off track. This was a reminder of that emptiness in my heart and again it felt like I was totally missing out.
Between the range of last Thursday till now and on-going. There was a contest held last thursday called NP's got talent. Basically, a bunch of people who have gotten past auditions were to perform together and the top 3 winners will be selected. I was there to support my course mates who had formed a band of their own for the competition (in the end I realised that I knew people from about 5 bands there-one of which got first place). Moving on, there was this girl who performed solo. I'm not gonna say her name but lets just call her Counter Terrorist-CT (cause she's stopping the bomb from detonating in me). Points for style if you get the reference. Anyway, CT wasn't anyone I know, or have ever noticed or met prior to this contest. But when she performed, it just seemed to really capture my heart's attention. After her performance I just felt this nagging feeling to find out more about her (which I havent gotten over many girls before, not this extreme.)
[let me just pause the story here and note that I do not see her and me as soulmates in the future, I just really admire her for her character.]
Most of what I found out about her was by chance, like friends searching her up while randomly talking about her and stuff. But it was amazing, somehow I knew there was something about this girl I was supposed to find out. She was very active in many enriching and fulfilling aspects of her life. She has been to many competitions, covered many songs, and the most important thing; shes a christian- a rather strong one it seems. When I saw all that she had achieved, I realised she had this certain focus on God, which gave her the confidence to pull through all these events. (meanwhile my fingers themselves shiver everytime I hold a guitar on centre stage; which then makes me miss a bunch of notes.) She was very fluent in her performances, there was a very obvious fire burning in her. A fire I had this strong pull towards. After realising how much she has accomplished, I realised I should learn from her. No matter how far I feel I've gone, I'm always gonna feel empty unless I reconnect with God. Looking back at all that's happened, maybe there was some reason everything that's happened did happen.
I don't know yet if CT realises how much she has influenced me. I revamped my Youtube channel and facebook account to head towards being more confident to express myself. I wanted to type her name under "people who inspire me" but there wasn't any fan page for her yet and it seems too random to put a name there isnt a page for=x so yeah
After a good chat reconnecting with darryl (he's like a older bro in christ to me), I've decided I should start approaching groups to try to rekindle the flame I had back when I had morning worship. Already sent out an email to a Christian Fellowship CCA checking if they have something of similar nature. (I once tried a group quiet time but it felt very different from what I'm used to, just couldn't find the motivation to stay on.) Anyway, its getting late. In the middle of E-learning week, gotta accomplish more work tomorrow, soooo.... nights.
~+~=~+~=~+~=~+~=~+~=~+~=~+~=~+~=~+~=~+~=~+~=~+~=~+~=~+~=~+~=~+~=~+~=~+~
Well, as the title suggests, I've decided I've gotta try to pull my spiritual life back together again. Every thing's been working out good for me, I feel satisfied with my studies (ups and downs), I feel better in many ways, but I continue to feel this straining emptiness in my heart.
Many small events have made me look back at myself and wonder how far from who I was have I become.
Just a couple of weeks back, BB was collecting donations for their Annual Sharity Gift Box. One extension of this was the Ngee Ann polytechnic Division of BB primers setting up booths around campus to collect these donations. When I saw them, they looked so bright and awesome in their BB primers Mufti-attire (polo-T and blue-longs with sport shoes). When I got back home later that day, I went straight to my cupboard, took out my own primer's polo-T and just stared at it; thinking about my past with my bros, how slowly but surely I strayed away from all that into other time commitments.
Last Wednesday, after the weekly song composing club gathering, I happened to see this circle of students gathered on the floor. It somewhere between 8-9pm then and a group of us were walking through "Munch" block when we saw them. about a dozen of them, one with a guitar on her lap, the rest with song sheets in front of them. They were singing moderately soft but it didn't sound like typical professional "choir" sort of singing, so I guessed they were there as a cell group or fellowship group. It just brought back a lot of memories, and I felt like I wanted to join them, even thought some of my CCA mates laughed at them. It wasn't about the skill in the music they played, it was about the heart and soul involved. Mine's been pretty badly distorted. Not that its noticeable, but from a spiritual perspective, I've gone totally off track. This was a reminder of that emptiness in my heart and again it felt like I was totally missing out.
Between the range of last Thursday till now and on-going. There was a contest held last thursday called NP's got talent. Basically, a bunch of people who have gotten past auditions were to perform together and the top 3 winners will be selected. I was there to support my course mates who had formed a band of their own for the competition (in the end I realised that I knew people from about 5 bands there-one of which got first place). Moving on, there was this girl who performed solo. I'm not gonna say her name but lets just call her Counter Terrorist-CT (cause she's stopping the bomb from detonating in me). Points for style if you get the reference. Anyway, CT wasn't anyone I know, or have ever noticed or met prior to this contest. But when she performed, it just seemed to really capture my heart's attention. After her performance I just felt this nagging feeling to find out more about her (which I havent gotten over many girls before, not this extreme.)
[let me just pause the story here and note that I do not see her and me as soulmates in the future, I just really admire her for her character.]
Most of what I found out about her was by chance, like friends searching her up while randomly talking about her and stuff. But it was amazing, somehow I knew there was something about this girl I was supposed to find out. She was very active in many enriching and fulfilling aspects of her life. She has been to many competitions, covered many songs, and the most important thing; shes a christian- a rather strong one it seems. When I saw all that she had achieved, I realised she had this certain focus on God, which gave her the confidence to pull through all these events. (meanwhile my fingers themselves shiver everytime I hold a guitar on centre stage; which then makes me miss a bunch of notes.) She was very fluent in her performances, there was a very obvious fire burning in her. A fire I had this strong pull towards. After realising how much she has accomplished, I realised I should learn from her. No matter how far I feel I've gone, I'm always gonna feel empty unless I reconnect with God. Looking back at all that's happened, maybe there was some reason everything that's happened did happen.
I don't know yet if CT realises how much she has influenced me. I revamped my Youtube channel and facebook account to head towards being more confident to express myself. I wanted to type her name under "people who inspire me" but there wasn't any fan page for her yet and it seems too random to put a name there isnt a page for=x so yeah
After a good chat reconnecting with darryl (he's like a older bro in christ to me), I've decided I should start approaching groups to try to rekindle the flame I had back when I had morning worship. Already sent out an email to a Christian Fellowship CCA checking if they have something of similar nature. (I once tried a group quiet time but it felt very different from what I'm used to, just couldn't find the motivation to stay on.) Anyway, its getting late. In the middle of E-learning week, gotta accomplish more work tomorrow, soooo.... nights.
Monday, November 21, 2011
This fire how'd it start (wondering if I should make this into a song, if so I gotta check out the timing kicks in well)
Chorus: _____________________________________________________________________
Here I am, again...
Facing up my past
Trying not to break apart
patiently waiting... but
patiently waiting... but
Its driving me Insane
I dont know how long I'll last
Its eating my empty heart
This fire how'd it start
~+~-~+~-~+~-~+~-~+~-~+~-~+~-~+~-~+~-~+~-~+~-~+~-~+~-~+~-~+~-~+~-~+~-~+~-~+~-~+~-~+~
________________________________________________________________________________
~+~-~+~-~+~-~+~-~+~-~+~-~+~-~+~-~+~-~+~-~+~-~+~-~+~-~+~-~+~-~+~-~+~-~+~-~+~-~+~-~+~
Verse 1:____________________________________________________________________
Looking in the mirror
Scared to break my pact
But,Still trying to fathom
How could any girl be so perfect
You're so beautiful
In every way there could be
Your heart your soul your looks
Do you even know it
Pre-Chorus: __________________________________________________________________
Trying so hard to suppress
while time throws me another test
When will there finally be rest
Just so tired of this mess
Chorus: _____________________________________________________________________
Here I am, again...
Facing up my past
Trying not to break apart
patiently waiting... but
patiently waiting... but
Its driving me Insane
I dont know how long I'll last
Its eating my empty heart
This fire how'd it start
Verse 2:____________________________________________________________________
Cause the words from your lips
And the sound of your guitar
Like your soul that just just seeps
Straight out of your heart
But Its just so scary
Never even had a date
Could this be God's intended story
Or Satan toiling with my fate
Pre-Chorus: __________________________________________________________________
Trying so hard to suppress
while time throws me another test
When will there finally be rest
Just so tired of this mess
Chorus: _____________________________________________________________________
Here I am, again...
Facing up my past
Trying not to break apart
patiently waiting... but
patiently waiting... but
Its driving me Insane
I dont know how long I'll last
Its eating my empty heart
This fire how'd it start
Bridge:_____________________________________________________________________
Could she be
The perfect one for me
Just everything about her
seems so wonderful to me
Can she see
This admiration in my heart
It feels like its gonna blow me up
This fire how'd it start
Chorus: _____________________________________________________________________
Here I am, again...
Facing up my past
I don't know if its finally now
or Should I just stay down?
or Should I just stay down?
Its driving me Insane
I dont know how long I'll last
What could she want me to do now
I'm just trying not to stay Down...________________________________________________________________________________
~+~-~+~-~+~-~+~-~+~-~+~-~+~-~+~-~+~-~+~-~+~-~+~-~+~-~+~-~+~-~+~-~+~-~+~-~+~-~+~-~+~
Sunday, October 16, 2011
so eats me out and swallows me whole, the cold flame that rots my heart frostbitten.
Well, its been a long time since i last blogged. In fact, I totally forgot my old password and had to have it reset via email. Anyway, its the last night before school reopens for semester 2.2.
I've been rather stressed out lately, amongst other things I consider more personal and things i'm afraid I cant no longer do, my grand dad's staying over at my house for 2 months; til the 29th this month. Till then he sleeps in my room, and I'm actively using my sister's room where all her clothes books and stationary are [no privacy yay]. So I guess for now I'm just waiting for time to fly and things to get back to normal. BUT WAIT!!! Its the dawn of the schooling term yet again. How sure am I that I really want time to fly? Assignments, stress, exam stress,essay research, academic pressure, social pressure, band practices, songs to write and perform, stage pressure and blah blaah blah. As I look ahead, I don't see much good I'm looking forward too. That seems to be just the thing about growing up, you get less and less time to rest. My future never ceases to cast upon my hopes disappointment and fears of failures. It feels like a ticking time bomb inside my waiting to explode...
I've been rather stressed out lately, amongst other things I consider more personal and things i'm afraid I cant no longer do, my grand dad's staying over at my house for 2 months; til the 29th this month. Till then he sleeps in my room, and I'm actively using my sister's room where all her clothes books and stationary are [no privacy yay]. So I guess for now I'm just waiting for time to fly and things to get back to normal. BUT WAIT!!! Its the dawn of the schooling term yet again. How sure am I that I really want time to fly? Assignments, stress, exam stress,essay research, academic pressure, social pressure, band practices, songs to write and perform, stage pressure and blah blaah blah. As I look ahead, I don't see much good I'm looking forward too. That seems to be just the thing about growing up, you get less and less time to rest. My future never ceases to cast upon my hopes disappointment and fears of failures. It feels like a ticking time bomb inside my waiting to explode...
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