Living my Legacy

Proverbs 22:3

2011-11-30T01:14:00.001-08:00

The prudent see danger and take refuge, but the simple keep going and pay the penalty.

Quote from odb.org

2011-11-26T03:44:00.001-08:00

Sure it takes a lot of courage to put things in God’s hands,
To give ourselves completely, our lives, our hopes, our plans;
To follow where He leads us and make His will our own;
But all it takes is foolishness to go the way alone! —Kline

The hell weeks dawn upon the calender, and plunges the previous weeks into darkness, all which were merely the calm before the storm.

2011-11-25T23:12:00.001-08:00

One thing that makes this year's assignments difficult to just hold your breath and charge through is the fact that we need a certain amount of time in preparation for our assignments. They require either a time period of observation before analysis, a series of video recordings (each being at least 20mins long), or interviewing someone not dirrectly connected to school. Not to mention that we still have other regular common tests,essays and weekly submissions to take care of. Feels overwhelming. An all too familiar feeling. But I pulled through before, just hope I can say the same again.

Saw Sher and Winston under going gym-orientation the other day while I was gyming with lukky. They didn't see me cos I was lying down on the bench and hidden by a pillar, but I saw them as I entered. Looking forward to gyming with them soon. I won't be surprised if Sher suddenly deadlifts 100kg or so...she has a swimmers bod since young and isimpressively strong for a girl even though she's slim.

Unsure what else to write...
Hmmm.... now i'm just thinking how it feels like I've gained a lot, but have lost almost all I used to be. Ironically slow-fade by casting crowns was always one of my favourite songs back in sec scl. "people never crumble in a day"- a phrase that is repeated on and on again throughout the song. Guess that what happens when I get sucked into the context of the song without paying attention to what's in between the lines.

I know I've got a lot of work to do... But I just don't feel like it. Sighs....
Its such a familiar feeling of wishing I could just go to sleep and never wake up... Now that I think about it, I think I remember why I walked away from God in the first place. I was praying for months to die and escape this world. When I didn't die literally, I got mad at God... Wow I'm such a mess up.
~+~Feeling quite restless now~+~
Perhaps I'll go sleep for a bit. maybe thats just what I need..z zz z z z zzzzZZZZZZZZZZ Z Z ZZZZZ

Quick post: Role model (maybe not so quick after all [after 15mins of typing])

2011-11-25T07:59:00.001-08:00

In the short time I've known CT, I've grown quite an admiration for her. While I admit I may have had a bit of a crush at first, now I sorta see her more as an older sister.(Is that weird?) She has a lot of qualities I admire and I feel motivated to try to follow in her foot steps (except where my interests are different from hers). I guess one thing I've gotta thank God for is giving me a role model again. Back in sec scl I either looked up to Darryl or Daniel or Jia ming; all my BB bros. Since poly I realised I never actually knew enough about anyone to admire and look up to. Now I have someone to look up to as an example again; pretty motivating to have that sense of direction again. Once again my spiritual life is accelerating...feels great. I'm only worried about a back slide. I always recover strong but slow down exhausted in this. Looking at CT as a role model, I've wondered about how vulnerable I'd be if I were to see my role model herself back slide. In the process, I'm trying to train myself to be more headstrong. Plus I feel a lot more independent this semester in other areas of my life too.

Recently tried getting closer to Christ again. Was really surprised; despite how long I've turned away, the moment I was willing to walk back, he was waiting. In just a few quiet times, I've felt him, and in some ways I saw him (well I didn't see him, but there was a surge of light definitely distinct from power failures). Suddenly I felt a warm comfortable glow radiating from my core, at the same time, even though my eyes were looking at the floor at they were closed, it suddenly got a lot brighter. Like I was staring straight at the Sun. I know for sure there was no one else there who could have been faking it cos I was at a very isolated place where every bit of sound would echo. When I was done with my quiet time, I opened my eyes and the lights in the area were still regularly bright. I didn't see anything else which could have lit up the area like I experienced through my closed eye-lids. And the warmth radiating in me was still there and comfortable. Felt really touched, its the "I know I really don't deserve it but I appreciate it" sort of feeling.

I did my quiet time on "Choices", a book that I didn't finish with my bible study group the last time=x
But the one chapter that stood out was "Singleness". It wasn't anything new to me, but it was reassurance. After deciding for sure I wanna remain single (at least for a good long time) that chapter was very much reassuring to me. Especially the part about being able to make decisions just for myself without having to worry about how much time I'm giving someone else. I think that was the chapter I previously started but didn't complete. Surprised to be able to find this book lying under a lot of my previous psych text books.

UO says I gotta find "food" on campus because it'l be easier for me to eat and I won't starve.
Emailed Christian Fellowship, spoke to a coursemate in Campus crusade, and requested to FB join NP SYFC. Frankly speaking, I don't think the first and the latter will work out. But I've got alot of hope in Campus crusade. The people there have been friendly. I have guy friends there too so even if I get anxious about the girls, I can choose to ignore them. Besides, some of the girls, I've heard, are actually course-mates; whom I'd really gotten accustomed too during the Hong Kong trip. Plus they are the ones that seem to sit behind me in almost every lecture; so its a lot better than having all the girls there being complete strangers. Looking forward to wednesday 6pm at blk 50 #01-01.

Wed 6pm=x my Song composing club is at 6.30pm. Well, my band is kinda taking a break anyway, after a chain of events; such as members suddenly going off to do soul-searching and stuff. Thought it was ridiculous at first, but then, I realised it may have been all too coincidental. What if perhaps God had been coordinating my return longer than I realized. I guess it gives me time to focus on serving God with music rather than just serving music. I'm abit tired of always being told to down-strum in the songs my band composes anyway. Maybe I might turn out to be a guitarist in a worship group. My dad has been pushing me to play guitar for worship for around the past 3-4months. Yeah, really too coincidental.

Well, gotta go, I have a behavior modification E-blog to finish (D=), a disabled contact to call for an interview for managing disabilities (D=), begin observation for baseline assessment for Behavior mod(D=), write a follow-up critique for legal frameworks on a debate about animal testing (D=), and study for Behavior mod test on Tuesday(DDDD=). Gosh, Behavior Mod is being a real arse these 2 weeks. Thats what you get when the lecturer falls sick for 1 mnth and gives assignments before then, and a replacement lecturer comes in and gives more assignments, and then the original comes back and gives more assignments. DDDDDDDDD= gonna have a busy weekend.

Trying to pull my soul back together again.

2011-11-22T07:23:00.001-08:00

A desperate grasp, straining to hold all ends together, even as the vines of the rope begin to unwind and snap. You let out a cry as your muscles begin to cramp but you tell yourself you simply cannot let go.
~+~=~+~=~+~=~+~=~+~=~+~=~+~=~+~=~+~=~+~=~+~=~+~=~+~=~+~=~+~=~+~=~+~=~+~

Well, as the title suggests, I've decided I've gotta try to pull my spiritual life back together again. Every thing's been working out good for me, I feel satisfied with my studies (ups and downs), I feel better in many ways, but I continue to feel this straining emptiness in my heart.

Many small events have made me look back at myself and wonder how far from who I was have I become.

Just a couple of weeks back, BB was collecting donations for their Annual Sharity Gift Box. One extension of this was the Ngee Ann polytechnic Division of BB primers setting up booths around campus to collect these donations. When I saw them, they looked so bright and awesome in their BB primers Mufti-attire (polo-T and blue-longs with sport shoes). When I got back home later that day, I went straight to my cupboard, took out my own primer's polo-T and just stared at it; thinking about my past with my bros, how slowly but surely I strayed away from all that into other time commitments.

Last Wednesday, after the weekly song composing club gathering, I happened to see this circle of students gathered on the floor. It somewhere between 8-9pm then and a group of us were walking through "Munch" block when we saw them. about a dozen of them, one with a guitar on her lap, the rest with song sheets in front of them. They were singing moderately soft but it didn't sound like typical professional "choir" sort of singing, so I guessed they were there as a cell group or fellowship group. It just brought back a lot of memories, and I felt like I wanted to join them, even thought some of my CCA mates laughed at them. It wasn't about the skill in the music they played, it was about the heart and soul involved. Mine's been pretty badly distorted. Not that its noticeable, but from a spiritual perspective, I've gone totally off track. This was a reminder of that emptiness in my heart and again it felt like I was totally missing out.

Between the range of last Thursday till now and on-going. There was a contest held last thursday called NP's got talent. Basically, a bunch of people who have gotten past auditions were to perform together and the top 3 winners will be selected. I was there to support my course mates who had formed a band of their own for the competition (in the end I realised that I knew people from about 5 bands there-one of which got first place). Moving on, there was this girl who performed solo. I'm not gonna say her name but lets just call her Counter Terrorist-CT (cause she's stopping the bomb from detonating in me). Points for style if you get the reference. Anyway, CT wasn't anyone I know, or have ever noticed or met prior to this contest. But when she performed, it just seemed to really capture my heart's attention. After her performance I just felt this nagging feeling to find out more about her (which I havent gotten over many girls before, not this extreme.)

[let me just pause the story here and note that I do not see her and me as soulmates in the future, I just really admire her for her character.]

Most of what I found out about her was by chance, like friends searching her up while randomly talking about her and stuff. But it was amazing, somehow I knew there was something about this girl I was supposed to find out. She was very active in many enriching and fulfilling aspects of her life. She has been to many competitions, covered many songs, and the most important thing; shes a christian- a rather strong one it seems. When I saw all that she had achieved, I realised she had this certain focus on God, which gave her the confidence to pull through all these events. (meanwhile my fingers themselves shiver everytime I hold a guitar on centre stage; which then makes me miss a bunch of notes.) She was very fluent in her performances, there was a very obvious fire burning in her. A fire I had this strong pull towards. After realising how much she has accomplished, I realised I should learn from her. No matter how far I feel I've gone, I'm always gonna feel empty unless I reconnect with God. Looking back at all that's happened, maybe there was some reason everything that's happened did happen.

I don't know yet if CT realises how much she has influenced me. I revamped my Youtube channel and facebook account to head towards being more confident to express myself. I wanted to type her name under "people who inspire me" but there wasn't any fan page for her yet and it seems too random to put a name there isnt a page for=x so yeah

After a good chat reconnecting with darryl (he's like a older bro in christ to me), I've decided I should start approaching groups to try to rekindle the flame I had back when I had morning worship. Already sent out an email to a Christian Fellowship CCA checking if they have something of similar nature. (I once tried a group quiet time but it felt very different from what I'm used to, just couldn't find the motivation to stay on.) Anyway, its getting late. In the middle of E-learning week, gotta accomplish more work tomorrow, soooo.... nights.

This fire how'd it start (wondering if I should make this into a song, if so I gotta check out the timing kicks in well)

2011-11-21T03:08:00.001-08:00

Chorus: _____________________________________________________________________

Here I am, again...

Facing up my past

Trying not to break apart
patiently waiting... but

Its driving me Insane

I dont know how long I'll last

Its eating my empty heart

This fire how'd it start

~+~-~+~-~+~-~+~-~+~-~+~-~+~-~+~-~+~-~+~-~+~-~+~-~+~-~+~-~+~-~+~-~+~-~+~-~+~-~+~-~+~

Verse 1:____________________________________________________________________

Looking in the mirror

Scared to break my pact

But,Still trying to fathom

How could any girl be so perfect

You're so beautiful

In every way there could be

Your heart your soul your looks

Do you even know it

Pre-Chorus: __________________________________________________________________

Trying so hard to suppress

while time throws me another test

When will there finally be rest

Just so tired of this mess

Chorus: _____________________________________________________________________

Here I am, again...

Facing up my past

Trying not to break apart
patiently waiting... but

Its driving me Insane

I dont know how long I'll last

Its eating my empty heart

This fire how'd it start

Verse 2:____________________________________________________________________

Cause the words from your lips

And the sound of your guitar

Like your soul that just just seeps

Straight out of your heart

But Its just so scary

Never even had a date

Could this be God's intended story

Or Satan toiling with my fate

Pre-Chorus: __________________________________________________________________

Trying so hard to suppress

while time throws me another test

When will there finally be rest

Just so tired of this mess

Chorus: _____________________________________________________________________

Here I am, again...

Facing up my past

Trying not to break apart
patiently waiting... but

Its driving me Insane

I dont know how long I'll last

Its eating my empty heart

This fire how'd it start

Bridge:_____________________________________________________________________

Could she be

The perfect one for me

Just everything about her

seems so wonderful to me

Can she see

This admiration in my heart

It feels like its gonna blow me up

This fire how'd it start

Chorus: _____________________________________________________________________

Here I am, again...

Facing up my past

I don't know if its finally now
or Should I just stay down?

Its driving me Insane

I dont know how long I'll last

What could she want me to do now

I'm just trying not to stay Down...
________________________________________________________________________________

~+~-~+~-~+~-~+~-~+~-~+~-~+~-~+~-~+~-~+~-~+~-~+~-~+~-~+~-~+~-~+~-~+~-~+~-~+~-~+~-~+~

so eats me out and swallows me whole, the cold flame that rots my heart frostbitten.

2011-10-16T07:04:00.000-07:00

Well, its been a long time since i last blogged. In fact, I totally forgot my old password and had to have it reset via email. Anyway, its the last night before school reopens for semester 2.2.
I've been rather stressed out lately, amongst other things I consider more personal and things i'm afraid I cant no longer do, my grand dad's staying over at my house for 2 months; til the 29th this month. Till then he sleeps in my room, and I'm actively using my sister's room where all her clothes books and stationary are [no privacy yay]. So I guess for now I'm just waiting for time to fly and things to get back to normal. BUT WAIT!!! Its the dawn of the schooling term yet again. How sure am I that I really want time to fly? Assignments, stress, exam stress,essay research, academic pressure, social pressure, band practices, songs to write and perform, stage pressure and blah blaah blah. As I look ahead, I don't see much good I'm looking forward too. That seems to be just the thing about growing up, you get less and less time to rest. My future never ceases to cast upon my hopes disappointment and fears of failures. It feels like a ticking time bomb inside my waiting to explode...

2011-07-23T01:54:00.000-07:00

An outburst of pressure,
cliffs of rock and rubble
Torn and shredded
and paths are parted
by the cruel heat of the underlying flames
;the tension that lies in the very core
of the crusty metropolis
where blinded hearts admire their green havens...
~
Many feel but few ever see
the non-material lust
of materialism that plagues
the brittle ropes of humanity to dust.
Whilst the ashes cloud my remaining strength
and social success seems a suicide mission in vain
and selfish it seems so serenity shall never be mine.
Except....
~
Upon the broken path
where one hides from the chaos
below the thickets in rebellious cause
of a sub-culture..
Never to be understood by the machines
that reap the land of its true blue greenery.
And like a pressure cooker flame it.
That is why the loner walks upon an urban path so abyss

Short post 04/07/2011

2011-07-03T19:06:00.000-07:00

Halfway through OB psych now. "cher" gave us a 5 mins break and I'm bored. Quick update, stressed as always; tho I gotta admit, I'm finding it alot less significant now. Perhaps the phrase " what doesn't kill you makes you stronger" really holds true; enduring the tolls of previous work loads and stuff does help. gtg...

To walk the thousand miles for rest

2011-06-30T01:20:00.001-07:00

Addicted,
to the path I walk~
Grasped on hope alone
the burning glimpse
of a future salvaged from the
despair of denial.
~
As every failure
starves me of success
and every desperation
or hunger in vain
leads me to run harder this time round.
~
They all say-
what doesn't kill you makes you stronger.
Yet what if
just what if
perhaps if...
What threatens to kill you makes you fight harder.
~+~
So suck it in
and yield forth yet more.
For success awaits not
who awaits success.
Through pain one learns freedom.
Through innocence brews pain.
~+~
so~Let every pain boil the adrenaline rush
as sweet victory is snatched.
And savor the bliss of the wind sweep by
beneath your feet;
unable to knock you down
suppressed by superiority...

Short post, cos im gonna have something on in 3 minutes >.>

2011-06-29T01:37:00.000-07:00

As always, work spams in the school days and the holidays. Surprisingly, its not taking as much of a toll on me as before, even though I realized the work load is heavier as compared to last year. Perhaps I've just gotten used to it. Too much stress deproves work performance anyway, so its good I can now smirk at my shadows, look to the distance, and awe at the clouds.

Remnant of a buried past

2011-06-09T10:12:00.000-07:00

gentle strays of strolling bliss
striding across the meadows green.
the golden sky lights the warm summer breeze
as it ripples to caress the soft green blades that litter the fields.
~
yet....lurking beneath its fresh luscious covers.
decays a dark past buried 6 feet under.
~+~
Repressed but strong,
Prevalent with resilience,
the past may sometimes creep to the surface.
and the only way to vanquish these anxieties, is to face it again...no matter how much it hurts
~+~
To force oneself to walk against his path.
To venture out and retrieve the desecrated past,
the ashes of which I scattered across the barren plains
to be crumbled to dust and disposed by the winds.
~+~
And now, upon the foot of the plains I stand,
gazing upon the scorn I banished my memories to.
Caught within the choices
against my evolved lone nature.
~+~
as the sweet winds of mild destruction call,
alluring forth whatever war-shattered remains remain.
A loner's heart rages between love and hatred.
Whilst the nearing apocalypse dawns upon two halves of a torn-up soul.

2011-04-24T22:27:00.000-07:00

As time progresses, I learn more about myself; by seeing the things that influenced my personality development as an individual, as well as the traits others possess in which I differ. Some things about myself that not many would agree to all.

-I love Slow rock/ Soul/ Death Metal/ 80s and 90s Love songs.
-I find being alone more desirable when I'm in isolated places.
-I find being alone less desirable when I'm in a populated place.
-Music is my best friend; it understands me because I get to choose what I listen to and thus define the personality of music based on my own egocentric tastes.
-I like people trusting me but I dislike trusting people
-I get depressed easily when I fail to live up to my own expectations, do things that disconcert my morals, feel stressed, compare myself to people I feel more dominant than me in a skill or field I find admirable.
-I find a profoundly distinct favor for conversing with girls indirectly but feel a deep underlying hatred and mistrust when I converse face-to-face.
-I need affirmation often to feel significant.
-I feel I lose my value as an individual when not positively acknowledged by others to be more efficient at a skill valued to them.
-I hate all people in general but feel a distinct closure to the few people in my social circle.

My point is...
Who I am will never be fully approved or similar to others. In that sense, trying to be me will never feel alright. I guess that is why I'm such a loner. Also because I find it hard to find acceptance of values in others that contradict my own, even if morality does not favor either.
At least I'm learning more about myself...

Things get worse...as always

2011-04-21T00:59:00.000-07:00

There is no calm or storm.

nor a fall from the edge

from the warm sincere bliss.

Just the draining of strength

for a tower battered long

by all the impailments that don't miss.

~+~

No single rock can cause an alarm.

No one cares if its hurled upon the walls.

Like an ant against a fortress;

percieved insignificantly small.

~+~

Yet rammed by the wraith of time.

"chip by chip"

"brick by brick"

The tower slowly fades to dust.

~+~

Fearing the abandonment of all who once built it

The tower trembles in fear.

Watching its debris piling where it stands.

Living as the tombstone that marks his remains.

~+~

The standing glory

of living as the dead.

An empty shell waiting to collapse.

into a meaningless rock...

The last time I shut my eyes, I couldn't believe what I later saw

2011-03-22T23:57:00.000-07:00

Things have been rough as always. During the school-term, my body takes its toll from the workload. During the holidays, the anxiety of not knowing what to expect takes its toll on my mind. Most people are enjoying their holidays now; I don't understand how they seem to do it all. But I'm just worried about results, the new work-load to expect in next semester, and all the little things no one cares about that eventually pile-up.

I pray everyday to get to get to go back home and leave behind this mess. But that prayer is never answered...I feel so alone...

My grass is greener than you think

2011-03-22T23:43:00.001-07:00

Strange it may seem;

so alien to you.

The shock of seeing the flying spiders,

or the coconut pools.

Its just my paradise

the glow of uniqueness.

My rock-solid shells with

my cosy cushioned centres.

Perhaps I'm colour blind-

for I tell you, your blues are my yellows.

And perhaps I'm a loner-

for I condemn all good fellows.

But worry not for my peace of mind,

for disaster spells my haven.

Its my accustomed element,

for slumbering through the hastened.

Taboo may be my lifestyle,

but only cos ...

my lifestyle is simply mine.

Do not empathise for you know not my mind.

I'm just ignoring all landmines

and awaiting the wraith of bittersweet time...

A thousand for the price of one.

2011-03-06T06:09:00.000-08:00

Walk to the cupboard

and pull out another,

the storeroom still has space...

just toss in another face,

and watch the adrenaline rush take over

as you savour the sugar-rush high...

~+~

Gasping on a frenzy of emotions

an overwhelming feeling.

Whilst every masquerade stampedes to the surface-

"two-faced" is way too huge an under-statement.

~+~

perhaps a Gift.

Or perhaps a Curse.

but nonetheless the outright source

of every face I find within myself.

-all it takes is the right bait;to draw out to the open

the beasts that lurk in the murky blues.

~+~

raging in the summer

suffocating in the winter.

every extreme of a masquerade

takes its toll as my emotions pull the strings on my masks...

Goodbye-secondhand serenade

2011-02-05T23:04:00.000-08:00

"Goodbye"

It's a shame that it had to be this way
It's not enough to say I'm sorry
It's not enough to say I'm sorry

Maybe I'm to blame
Or maybe were the same
But either way I can't breathe
Either way I can't breathe

All I had to say is goodbye
Were better off this way
Were better off this way

I'm alive but I'm losing all my drive
Cause everything we've been through
And everything about you
Seemed to be a lie
A guiltless twisted lie
It made me learn to hate you
Or hate myself for letting it pass by

All I had to say is goodbye
Were better off this way
Were better off this way
All I had to say is goodbye
Were better off this way
Were better off this way

And every, everything isn't only
What it seemed so hold these
Words that you never told me
Its time to say goodbye
Its time to say goodbye
Its time to say goodbye
Goodbye

Bye

Take my hand away
Spell it out
Tell me I was wrong
Tell me I was wrong

Take my hand away
Spell it out
Tell me I was wrong
Tell me I was wrong

Take my hand away
Spell it out
Tell me I was wrong
Tell me I was wrong

the path keeps thinning

2011-01-30T18:01:00.000-08:00

As onward I walk

but a droop on the back of my mind

as the fear of a tightrope that haunts my future,

starts to take shape.

For up ahead-

from where I walk,

~I see my pathway thinning

with every step I take...~

and I know i've said this many times

But so apparent

Its true...

I can't change fate.

~+~

"Its a one-way high-way"

or so they say;

but I can't change it either way.

I turn back to see the wider paths

and envision its lack to where I head.

Its so tempting to just stop walking,

but God knows when I'm free.

~+~

What never changes,

The path will thin

as surely as my spirits will grey

yet facing this state

is what scares me the most

the anxiety from anticipation alone.

~+~

Better a fate cursed than no fate at all?

well...

that is something only time will tell.

...A foreshadowed forecast with its thinning scarce to go...

So sweet the words that you craft

2011-01-22T16:37:00.000-08:00

Like a river loosed upon a fire,
so swiftly and strong
to calm the lowest of my ebbs
and let it rest upon
the blue flow of high tide.
~
can't I help it?
The shell so think
my oyster of withdrawal
in times unsure.
~but yet again~
those sweet words of yours,
they shatter right through my shell
and stabbed right through my core.
~+~
Never fails
to leave me shocked
Never fails
to break my dark side.
an ecstasy of emotion
set free from the vessel.
~+~
You drugged me with your words
and I'm addicted...

Stressed....(is that honestly supposed to be news)

2011-01-19T23:55:00.000-08:00

As usual.....the title suggests its kind of a norm. The dif between reading it and feeling it and that feeling stressed is alot tougher....=_= 5 presentations next week, 2 formal ones to start off monday.(What a perfect start to monday-blues)... As much as I feel things ever get stable I'm proven wrong yet and yet again. Didnt expect WGR would still last on me so long! (its ok if you don't understand, extremely personal stuff)... But now, I barely even get to hear from *deyln* whom I've only introduced to darryl... Anyways, darryl-so now you know why I've been so withdrawing the past many weeks. Even ignoring UO... can I still face BS again? Everyone else- just know I'm stressed.... Idk why I finally touched facebook again, and yeah, my blog is not as dead as I left it for so long.

For once a path I tried stalked stable

yet now into the tunnel

and the end is still not clear

only darkness lights the way ahead

and no crimson glimmer to hope.

~+~

So pacing onward

whilst so afraid.

I stalked the darkness

that stalks my path...

~+~

A path that never ceasefires.

wth is wrong with me

2011-01-17T23:19:00.000-08:00

I don't know why, maybe the trauma of WGR still haunts me a bit; which is weird cos I still talk to racheal just fine, and am on neutral terms with Wil*** and got Gr*** off every contact list I had....

I still feel weird, like everytime I get into a lift with a girl alone, I feel anxious and nervous and somewhat even scared. Which is weird cos I consciously tell myself a girl alone with me in a lift can't possibly do anything to harm me in 30 seconds. Yet my heart rate increases, I feel fear running through me. Why am I suddenly talking bout this? Its been ongoing since I can remember and I expected it to go away already, yet I just took the NP blk 52 lift with a female student and I felt myself getting anxious again.... Its so frustrating. In campus, I'm surrounded with lots of female students, majority of my class and course are also girls, and the anxiety never seems to die. I get scared of groups of girls as well, and especially when I can't avoid it (lift, classroom, bus seat. anywhere that puts me in close proximity with a girl.)

Would be nice if I never became friends with G**** or W*****.

Without a title, without a name

2011-01-17T01:04:00.003-08:00

Right now, I feel rather indifferent. kinda depressed, but I guess I should say to you I'm still fine anyways. Going through a major identity crisis. Came to my course starting as the brightest, most confident guy in the class, spontaneous all the time and always critical. People always commended me on that and I felt happy. Now, the more time that passes, the more I'm unsure of who I am. I feel like I've gone all the way down, everything I ever say seems to be wrong or off par from everyone else. The only time I feel comfortable with who I am is when theres no one else around for me to play masquerade for.

Dear anyone who gives a damn

2011-01-09T07:11:00.000-08:00

-I'm damn stressed-

thats all

is it too much to dream?

2011-01-06T18:10:00.000-08:00

For once just once,

let my eyes awake only after the crimson sunrise has passed...

The the scent of crisp sea breeze

to last from the coast to brush past me

without the odour of sulphur-hitchiking on the wind.

Stressed as hell

2011-01-02T15:36:00.000-08:00

Well, as the title suggests, I'm darnn stressed right now. And its not likely to die down anytime soon. Its just so harsh. Everything seems so rushed and yet people seem to be able to do it. I don't know how, I'm just left back here trying to catch up with the pace of everything. I have a mound of due dates strapped to my back. All from different sources. Some I have to ignore for the sake of others. And I dare not reply those I'm unsure if I can follow through on. Cos most of the time, people always take it I have a choice=_= and its just negligence that I don't go; then I have to spend a long time after explaining every possible scenario as they try to poke holes in my work schedule. Barely have time for myself to even enjoy or slack. Sometimes I just wished so badly(like now) that I could just disappear or be sent to some place else where I can avoid pain and worries and the system all together. Some paradise where I can avoid the world and just slack for once.
hmpf, like thats gonna happen.

You know that part of you that cheers you up inside when you're stressed out? The part that says, hey after this you can finally enjoy or after this is over things will be better. That part of me has nothing to say right now. Anything I could look forward to has been torn out of my life and trampled upon by my work schedule.

Well, thats all for now, I still have alot mroe project work to do and finish up. Cheers people, enjoy the time you've got cos I don't have time to cooldown.

You just won't understand

2010-12-21T08:51:00.000-08:00

~perhaps just can't
or won't
or never will understand...
the delicate threads that stretch.
~+~
how a 5inch bomb rips 5 yards to shreds
or a needle may string a sheet.
how a speck of dust on the camera lens
expands to ruin the framed masterpiece.
~+~
You can't comprehend
feelings you don't feel
thoughts you don't think
or a heart you do not have to repair.
~+~
Perhaps communication is the key
but can you hear what I convey?
now S.O.S. goes without response
even after mayday has wailed through
every shredding piece of my sinking heart.
Scarce hope's desperate search for a phone line
that isn't always busy
nor forever ignored...
~+~
reaching in vain
You just won't understand
what you never will hear...
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
(The darkest secrets of a boy trapped by his heart
tearing himself up inside)

15 December 2010

2010-12-14T23:32:00.000-08:00

Time:3:33pm
Feeling: kinda restless
Place: at school library;meeting room agate
Feeling: kinda sad
Thinking about: lots of things
Feeling: lost...

Dear people, I know I haven't updated this blog in a really long time. As usual I suppose I neglected it again. Kept getting hammered by Kang Ling in my cbox too for not replying. My music thingy on the left<<<< is also getting abit old.

So.... my birthday was just 2 days ago. Guess alot of people already know that. Alot of people tagged on my facebook; alot more than I expected. It was a nice feeling of course, feeling like people remembered me. Just that I wasn't quite expecting it.

Had a statistics test and an impromptu speech assignment on that day. Was a lousy start to the day. After the stats test, Sherlynn,Luk Meng, Glenn and Mandy were planning to borrow the mic from the lecturer and announce my birthday to the entire lecture hall; to 4 classes worth of PCS students, to 80+ students (roughly 3/4 of which I barely know). The mic went dysfunctional though(hahaha), but then they synchronized to break out into a happy birthday song, which pretty much everyone followed. Was nice that they did that, but felt awkward to be the centre of attention. [i was wondering to myself, how do people in these situations normally act]. I couldn't decide what to do, so i just smiled until they were done. Later on, me and jian he were walking towards the bus stop when we encountered kimberly's clique. Then they too broke out into a happy birthday song again. >< *smile smile smile*....felt awkward.
Don't get me wrong, I really appreciate what they did, it just really really felt awkward. Nevertheless thnx people=)

(I feel bad bout not replying darryl and sherlynn's happy birthday msg.sry u 2, im just not a very sms oriented person)

Assignments Assignments Assignments
Next due individual essay, this Friday. Haven't really started
Next due group project contribution, asap latest next Wed

lots more i cant rmbr im quite reluctant to rmbr cos it depresses me ='(

150 surveys to distribute

Free time
Guitar, maple, sleep, worry

Pact by soul once pure
now toiled and tarnished.
a promise once made and so willing to keep-
yet now so reluctant to follow.
You never know you would ever do it
until you have done it.
The path of life is so unpredictable
~+~
Yet once you're in
You can't go back.
A one-way door-way
to a path you know spells doom
but feels so sweet to walk upon.
~+~
*Smell the daisies*
*Kiss the roses*
enjoy it while it lasts to be enjoyed.
~+~
For you know you will be trapped in dread once it coils around your finger.

Youre telling me?!?

2010-08-24T10:05:00.000-07:00

So Ive heard....
the people telling me

over and over again

reminders and suggestions

,the post-it's on my window

that block my view,

[the pile of broken posts blocking my train of thought upon a track].

Well, no one knows its structure better than me.

What they say-

(I'm sure you've heard)

companionship will bring happiness...

~+~

What else?

why am I such a lone?

Have you ever seen the way

a light surges through a bulb;

an exciting glow

an exploding rush of adrenaline.

Far too much, a fuse was built.

~a fuse~

sad? No! controlled....

~+~

Perhaps if only they would understand.

The pain of a heartstop after a heartbeat is too unbearable.

The burn of a flame gone out. a candle left stumped.

That is my discouragement.

~+~

So Ive heard....

the people say,

what ive already gone beyond...

~+~

for it is not the companionship I'm discouraged for

but the pain of separation thereafter.

weird dreams

2010-08-19T00:22:00.000-07:00

Well, I haven't blogged in awhile again. I'm not sure why I do so sometimes though. I'm not sure if anyone still reads it. Anyway, I guess I'll start with most recent occurences and then go back to more distant past occurences.

Had pretty strange dreams the two nights before last.

Monday night: I was confused, I can't remember the earlier stages of the dream but I stood below some large building in front of an isolated staircase leading into the secondfloor of the building. The doors were sliding glass doors that were already open. The room itself resembled that of a dance studio; with parquet flooring and a mirrored wall. Within that room there were many young children, about chest level in height. All of them looked the same; were all bald, had the same face, were dressed in samurai robes like that one would meditate in. White at the top with blue drapes for the bottom. they looked shocked to see me. I then looked in my hand and found a katana that was black at the handle, and a small blood stain on the otherwise perfectly shiny blade. My vision turned black, and I heard screams.
...
I then found myself in an abandoned playground. the play area was huge and the ground was sand in the middle with grass around that and concrete tiles at another. it was probably about 3 quarters of a football feild in size and had the sides shrouded in trees. One side of the playground was a highway, that seemed abandoned. The air was a mizture of the smell of rain and sulphur; and as soon as i thought of that, it began to rain. The playground- it was unlike a regular playground. It was deserted old and barren. It did not have one huge structure of slides or any structure that one could play with. It only had 3 swings at one end that stretched about 3 storeys high. the metal frame was rusty and a tainted red of maroon. The other end of the playground had two lines of large granite cube-shaped blocks.chest level once again.

that was all on the playground. I walked to wards the blocks in the silence but the day-light rain. I touched the block on the surface leaving a full-hand print of blood. (the rest of the dream was a blur).

Tuesday night: I found myself on the rooftop garden on the second(or third) floor of some building which joined like a bridge among two other buildings. the setting appeared to be some kind of casual-smart party,in the evening) which i could see through glass walls of some party which had a crowd inside and an invitingly warm bright orange light. I stayed outside.then I found three guys nearby holding up some drinks and talking. They looked up at me and I walked towards them. then a blonde caucasian guy walked right past me. and I don't know why, I fell to the floor and slammed my fist on the floor. I felt angry for some reason. not just that, I felt rage. I felt myself getting stronger and a feeling of invincibility. I felt like a monster. I stood up and heard them running away.I looked down at myself, I looked a dark black, but I looked different. I looked like a monster(my mind told me I was a werewolf). Then turned around and saw Racheal with a couple of her friends i didn't recognise. I walked to her and felt overwhelming joy. We exchanged hi's. and she seemed so fond of me ;which felt so weird. then i rmbred it felt weird because I was suppose to be a werewolf and I turned to look to the dirrection the previous group of guys went running towards. And I realised I turned into human. I looked to racheal again but i then realised she was gone. I ran to the other end of the garden which then resmbled the 8th floor roof top of the attic(in Ngee Ann Poly), and looked across the side to the corridor below. then i went berserk when I couldnt find her.(well, i didnt harm anyone this time round i think, but i ran around like crazy trying to find her). At last i came to some patch of grass when i was tired. there was someone meditating there crosslegged but i had no idea who.it was already daytime. I walked behind him/her and the grass patch i was staring at grew a cyan aura which made it turn from healthy green to black with a surrounding purple aura. I felt guilt and then somehow i just knew what to do. I dug my left hand down into the air in front of me. I then saw four streaks of green aura appear in the black patch of grass in front of me. So I dragged my hand along and the aura took the same dirrection- covering the black grass in healthy green once more. Then my vision faded. I found myself on my real life bed, but still in black werewolf form. for a slight while i saw myself from a third person's perspective, i looked scary but somehow i wasn't scared. I then saw myself back through my regular eyes as i lay down and went to sleep in full daylight. (then I woke up in real life)

Well, im still trying to figure it all out, but I realise how far ive drifted away from God. In fact, I didn't just drift away, I let my feelings pull me out amok and afraid.I followed my feelings to deal with situations in a way that betrayed even my own conscious. Again I'm reminded; that my feelings are my greatest weakness. If I do not pay attention to them, I will go stray. If I pay too much attention to them, I will go stray. I am reminded to constantly control my emotions with God's help. For otherwise my heart will lead my mind berserk and I will make myself feel sad/depressed/afraid/tired/(and all kinds of horrible feelings I would not wish onto my worst of enemies). sighs......

For the shadows are shadows because of the light, but never will you see me

2010-07-27T09:34:00.000-07:00

Here in the presence of the light

(I'm surrounded)

where none can appear to understand me,

for no light can see the shadows from where it stands

while the shadow feels the sharp cut of light grinding at its edges.

Being among the undergrowth, the overlooked one

either pitied or feared

but never on par....

the shadow may never mix with the light,

for its nature lies not there.

~~~~

as much as the light would like to believe

the shadow may mingle with the light

i guess......:

the talk of the shadow is misunderstood by the light.

What I would say if i did say

if i could open up to you one day

would be too crude or sensitive for you to understand......

but i guess thats the very reason the shadow buries itself,

and mingles not with the light.

remaining still quite out of sight

and out of sound

perceiving only a shadow....

the light sees something it cannot understand.

Ok,Once again I have successfully neglected my blog....

2010-07-25T18:32:00.000-07:00

Hmm,past few days.....been feeling rather isolated but happy about it....like im perfectly comfortable being alone....even though I Know at the same time Im neglecting alot of ppl....(am I suppose to be happy about feeling comfortable or should I feel guilty about ignoring everyone?)
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Anyway, what I've been up to lately?
Sat-went out for a community service project thing with the rest of magic club.
We basically went to Touch-Arrow and taught them how to make bookmarks, though they were just having fun with the drawing and all....

Sun(yesterday)-enjoyed my weekend lag. Went out with Kang Ling, Luk Meng, Yee Wei,Chelsia and Kimberly to watch Theif of Time. It was a play held at Woodlands CC. I enjoyed it, lots of literary devices were used in the storyline.:)

Anyway, recently, I feel in love with slow rock and soul music..... and two songs ive been listenning two recently are Kissed by a rose and I don't wanna miss a thing (revisiting old songs)

2010-07-17T19:54:00.000-07:00

Ok, I know I havent blogged in a really long while, but it was like I felt like talking but I didn't want to talk. Anyway, here goes

The tests are depressing, haven't gotten any back yet but its doubtfull I'll do well, the essays due are depressing, I'm not sure where to start because the questions are so generalised, the projects due are depressing, its hard to guess how the lecturers actually want it but their answers are always so vague.

Oh well,if there was anything good the past few days, I guess I've learnt to play warcraft with luk meng in multiplayer mode, we hope to start a routine wednesday-destressing class sports day, and lunch with Jayne, Denise, Li Ting and Kang Ling yesterday was pretty fun. Ok, I didnt participate much in the conversation but I found it rather cute and interesting watching them talk.XD

STRESSED, but HAPPY:)

2010-07-12T09:35:00.000-07:00

Well, today is the day of the A.P.A referencing test....:(.....I felt ill-prepared for it,and actually stressed myself over it. I got a massive headache just before the test, and alot of my classmates seemed alarmed by my flushed face; apparently I turned red to a point of disbelief, many of my classmates were asking me if I was alright.....well...sighs......but anyway,its just nice to know that they care.....

Mandy and Sherlynn were very sweet today. After the test, we had a one-hour break before our next lecture. I just rushed off after the test cos I felt really down and just wanted to be alone....luk meng called me twice, and I rejected both calls cos I didnt want to talk. Then Jianhe, then sherlynn, jia qian too I think.....I was a little surprised but I still really wanted to be alone so I just rejected all calls....
Later in the lecture, I hadn't quite cooled yet but its still a lecture, don't want to miss out. But what surprised me was that just after the lecture, Sherlynn and Mandy gave me a cupcake and a "cheer up" note....I was really surprised no doubt. To be honest, I found it a really sweet gesture. like....WOW kind of feeling....felt better, but also felt sorry I pushed them away time and time again.....(If you two are reading this, I really like you two and it really means alot to me that you bothered to write a note to cheer me up=)....as for the being alone part, I just enjoy that sometimes. But thnx for caring=)

Today...hmmm

2010-07-10T04:45:00.000-07:00

To summarise everything, I had a satisfying prayer session in the morning, went to watch eclipse alone and discovered how to use guitarpro to write tabs.....

The eclipse part probably sounds emo right now,but I enjoyed it like that. It was strange watching a movie alone for the first time but it was pleasantly comfortable.
Sick of waiting for people to go watch it with me too. The only thing that made me feel like having anyone to watch it with during the movie was somehow wishing i had someone to hold hands with at that point of time.....but then that would mean I would have to have a gf....sighs....in love with love.....

RELIEVED....

2010-07-09T04:54:00.000-07:00

Well, in one of my previous posts I mentioned the burden of the suspicions that a girl in my class likes me. Now that suspicion has been dismissed. I found out from a trustworthy and reliable source that the girl I suspected for having feelings for me does not have feelings for me. Its sort of a liberation...a slight disappointment in which I feel a little less significant, but a much less burdened feeling as I know that I won't be able to break her heart.
UO:" The most precious thing a girl can ever give to a guy is her heart. It is fragile and vulnerable and a great responsibility..."
Well, I don't think I'm ready to take on that responsibility yet. I'm really not sure, but better safe than sorry in this case=).

~+~

hmm, the past few days have been strange, I feel like I need some help in certain aspects but I'm working on getting it. (personal matters). Also, its been a really stressing week.(in the lagging and rusting sort of way) in school. But on the bright side, I learning to feel better acustomed in SCC. I haven't started actually composing songs on my own yet but have been getting into the feel of it by helping Amir edit the lines he wrote and add on to them. Also, I'm having fun with guitar pro. Its like full of all the best music i can edit here and there and play around it based on feel. On top of that, learning how to pluck guitar strings abit better, getting tips from some of the SCC seniors.

~+~

Recently been pretty down here and there, but talking to UO, Jing Shan and Kang Ling makes me feel better.Thnx guys=)

~+~

(sighs.....I wanna be somewhere at 8am but I gotta be somewhere else at that timeT^T)

Sometimes it would just be nice having nothing to do.............

you heard the earth quake, i felt the heart break

2010-07-06T08:40:00.000-07:00

thunders roar

as the spliting of stone echos through the landscape.

everyone looks up as usual.

I don't really bother.

~+~

why look up when I already know the source.

no one knows it but me.

no one notices but me.

no one hurts it but me.

~+~

stoning aside as always....

ignoring the panic.....

for none can see a heartbreak, or the fragments of its remains.

The hunger left unfed-starved

the passing minutes like daggers are merciless

.the emptiness inside;scarred.

~+~

The pain of Love by its absence.

an ecstasy of heartbeats-dancing to your presence.

the drug of your voice,the distant warmth of your life

brightenning up my life

(I feel high)

.....

and the withdrawal symptoms having their toll on me.

~A Crush~

as the fragments of flesh are torn apart.

~+~

you heard the earth quake

i felt it....

Its not much,but this is what I did 04/07/10-05/07/10

2010-07-04T10:05:00.000-07:00

Saturday
I went to Chr in the morning for a primers talk and bible study(I finally decided I'm going to quit Saturday morning badminton CCA for this[its much more important to me anyway]).
The talk was pretty fun,it was done by the chairman of Boys' Brigade primers Singapore. Since there was only him and about 7 of us, the talk was fun,interactive and informal:).
In bible study we talked about the arrival of Jesus on a donkey and the high priests' lust for power. It was interesting too:).
Anyway, I had some time to talk to UO about my life at the moment, he gave me some pretty good advice as to who I am, how to use my spiritual gifts etc. He also warned me that due to my "tender sweet nature" its not unexpected for me to go through poly life being "chased after" by a few girls here and there [great=_= I'm gonna be a heart breaker without even wanting to beT^T]. But I guess I just have to watch how I treat girls, taking none too exclusively[I don't want to make the same mistakes again]........ It feels so unnatural talking to girls and watching my words so they don't feel complimented, after all, those I talk to often are truely admirable, they have their own identities and skins they feel happy with, something not many modern teens would have.

~+~

After everything I went lunching with Jia Ming and Nicholas at Vista point. I had a really strong desire to watch Eclipse since I had time,but they were both busy,so I still haven't watched it. After lunch,Jia Ming went home first since his house was the nearest to vista point. We just so happened to walk past a fitness area, and I wanted body-building tips from Nicholas. So he taught me some stuff,adviced me to keep with my chin-ups and push-ups, and he taught me a new training method for chin-ups.....8 SETS!!!!!!...materials required-chin-up bars, sporter...
me arms are still kinda aching now-feels bad but good;when was the last time i could actually feel the overnight strain of chin-ups:)....

~+~

Eventually,I decided to go home and I learned Jason Mraz's "I'm yours" on guitar. And I still haven't watched eclipse.=_=posted on my MSN PM but no one answered. sighs........maybe I'll just have to go watch alone. It will be a new experience.....going to the movies and its just me and the screen.......(somehow that doesn't sound too reassuring T^T) Hmm,most of the guys I can ask won't be up for it, and if I ask a girl out to watch it, they might get the wrong idea. Can someone just ask me instead?:(

Today

I basically stayed home the whole day. Learned "tongue tied" by faber drive*as recommended by Ya Xun*. The chords are pretty simple,but theres something about the sound I can't fit into the lyrics..... I worked on "I'm yours" a little bit more. I forgot to get a hair-cut again.....hmmm.....sudden thought-

~+~

[Me]:"Hi my name is Andre."

[addict-recovery committee]:"Hi Andre!"

[Me]:"I am currently experiencing the withdrawal symptoms of a Crush."

[addict-recovery committee]:"Awwwww"
[Me]:"Its been about a few weeks since I've maintained a conversation with her for at least half and hour and I've paid little attention to my feelings since."
[addict-recovery committee]:*clapping*
[Me]:"It has been a bumpy process though. Its like when I see her I feel my heart jumping out of my chest, but when she walks away I feel it receeding back to a stone. Sometimes I'm just not sure how I'm suppose to feel towards her."*tear from the left eye to chin*
[addict-recovery committee]:" Its OK Andre, we are here for you"
[Me]:*fakes a smile*
[addict-recovery committee]:*more clapping*"whoots!!!

~+~

Just something that just flashed through my mind.....XDXD

:(:(

scared

2010-07-02T06:42:00.000-07:00

Well.....Right now I'm clearing out my room,throwing away alot of things I remembered touching or holding during my childhood years.....(especially if its something I got or received when I was young)-I know,I'm sick,twisted,morally wrong....I'm the scum of the Earth and people like me make the world a horrible place to live in.SO?

~+~

I'm not sure if a certain girl has "feelings" for me........I'm scared.....cos I don't have feelings for anyone now,and I don't want to hurt anyone either. I don't know if anyone has feelings for me, but I'm not sure I want to know either. I'm just not ready. And I'm just not sure if I have the emotional capability to handle any heart with care at the moment. A friend of mine I consulted on the matter thinks she might,but with insufficient information, she wasn't in my shoes itself and so there are details I may not have acknowledge as significant.

~+~

anyway,the night was fun-me and luk meng decided to walk to dover from scl even though it was getting dark and slightly drizzling. We blasted songs from our phones and sang along,sort of a mini karaok(sp) session of our ownXDD. Enjoyed that=)

Tiring....

2010-06-29T05:19:00.000-07:00

Well today I lessons and lectures resumed. Quite normal-like the first day of school except that we already know each other,and it was not as fun. The main exception is that today is the first INTCOM lecture we had without Lim Shi Ann(spel). Instead, a Mr Glen Ng would be taking over. To be honest,I kinda prefer Mr Lim's lectures. He always talked in a gentle and empathetic voice,more of a friend than a lecturer kind of voice. I guess it would take some time to adjust to Mr Ng's lectures, but I should be able to catch up.

~+~

THIS MORNING before school, me and Darryl went back to Christ Church to visit morning worship once again. Well,I can't say the quantity of members was encouraging, but at least there ARE members and their quality of worship aren't isn't too bad. When my batch graduated, one of our major concerns was whether the next "generation" of morning worship leaders and members will be able to rise to the duty(whether there would even be members left). Its good to know that at least the group has survived the loss of my platoon(who formed the majority of the members back in 2009)XDD.

~+~

Today during break, I went to recce building around the campus for a nice place I could hang out by myself. Some place I could get time for just myself whenever I needed it at school and could also play guitar there without anyone seeing or hearing me.Eventually I found a beautiful spot at one of the buildings. Though, after class, I invited luk meng to follow me whilst I hang out there with my guitar, and he invited sherlynn who invited jing shan, glenn, mandy, ya xun and jia qian.

Well, its not that I don;t like any of them....its just......my cosy private emo-spot suddenly so publicised =_=....and I couldn't sing there either cos I have stage fright and was too nervous to do so,and therefore couldn't really practise prooperly. Anyway,I managed to revisit the area again after a NYAA briefing I had after that and it was bliss:)....The sun was merely setting,it was a slightly warm but serene scene,the winds kept me cool,there was no one around,I could see the sky and the graceful dance of the clouds in the wind as the backdrop of the sun's gaze slowly faded behind the clouds and into the horizon...it was really wonderful. Was just thinking to myself it would have been nice to have someone to have shared that scene with(i didnt want to take a photo,it just couldnt capture the moment).sighs....

Which brings me to my next topic-LOVE

which was what we got lectured on in psychology lecture today. The different kinds,the components...it was interesting.kinda...(fakes a smile here).

~+~

Someone else I thought for real you were,

a someone

who was at least abit more like me.

seeming so alike,

by just your words

but til the rest of you I didn't see.

crude and arrogant,

i am-a step,

another tool in your tool box.

funny thing was,

I never expected any better.

thus no loss

no pain.

none of you know what this would mean anywayXD...it sounds like one thing but means another unrelated thing.

Got this from denise's blog...lol,not sure if all of it is relevant so I'll change all the guys to gals annd vice versa

2010-06-28T08:02:00.001-07:00

I wear black more than any other color, but I am not gothic.
I genuinely care for my friends.
I don’t trust people easily, thanks to past experiences.
Romance novels fascinate me.
I am male.
I do not wear glasses, but I probably should.
Switchfoot is an amazing band.
I have never seen the movie “Phantom of the Opera”.
I did not attend preschool as a child.
I have an older sister.
I am an aunt (or uncle).
I am too organized.
My shoulders are always hot, but my feet are always cold.
This is not the first survey I have ever taken.
I am interested in taking psychology classes.
I think women are sexy.
I refuse to use any other brand of tissue, besides Kleenex.
Duct tape annoys me more than it amuses me.
Easter used to be my favorite holiday.
My lips are chapped at this moment.
I was afraid of the monster under my bed as a child.
I have a girlfriend.
My birthday is in February.
I don’t have a job.
I decide I want to take a survey only if I see a certain question that I’d like to answer.
I have never left this country.
The word “fluffy” makes me laugh.
I have cried within the last 24 hours.
My fingertips are freezing cold.
I have already eaten dinner.
Normally I don’t eat breakfast.
I will never smoke cigarettes.
I will never do drugs.
I really don’t like country music.
I have a cat.
I have thrown up from crying too much before.
I love Sushi.
I always look at peoples away messages.
I crack my knuckles often.
I’m not in any sports.
I play the acoustic guitar, and I love it.
I have only been to 2 concerts before in my life.
I’ve only kissed one person unrelated to me, so far.
I used to want to be a vegetarian.
Now I want to be a writer.
Or a graphic designer…
I get along better with girls.
I used to like Pokemon.
I am mostly French heritage.
I believe in God and have faith in Him.
Lip rings are arousing.
I love and get along with my cousins.
I had a pet turtle one summer.
I get excited about getting new underwear.
I need a boost in my self-esteem.
I’ve thought about suicide.
I love receiving mail and e-mail.
I’ve had a pen pal before.
I can’t sleep on my back. I just can’t.
I hate public bathrooms.
I listen to my parents; it’s just that sometimes I really don’t care.
Once in my life, I named a pigeon.
I laugh when I watch old home videos
I used to be obsessed with the Spice Girls.
I once started a fire in my microwave.
I wish on Tootsie Roll Pop wrappers.
I really like the name Mathias.
I often fake my happiness for the benefit of others.
I keep a diary online and a diary on paper.
I love reading. It takes me away from reality.
I don’t like getting my picture taken.
The OC is my favorite TV show ever.
I’m glad this survey is almost over.
I am in the mood to take a shower.
I feel like crying when I look at old pictures.
I have a very busy day tomorrow.
I am in the mood to kiss somebody. Anybody.
I might be in love with my best friend..
I have now officially watched all three High School Musical movies.
I don’t think Venessa Hudgens is all that hot, honestly.
I don’t even like one single song from any of the three movies.
I’ve been involved in a school musical before.
I can’t sing to save my life.
Dancing is even worse.
I am/have dated a basketball player.
I know a girl who is almost never seen without a hat/cap/fedora/etc.
I hate movie musicals.
I hate Disney movies.
I know someone who drives a pink car.
I want to study theatre in college.
Brown hair + blue eyes = hotness.
I’ve written a song before, and I think it was pretty good!
I play an instrument pretty well.
I’m in a band. (by title)
I pretty much live in my earphones/headphones.
My ringtone is a song from my favourite artist/band.
I got my very first cell phone before I even turned 13.
I’d rather watch a horror movie than a romantic comedy.(hard to say)
Animated films still amuse me.
I’ve noticed that nobody makes cartoons the old-fashioned way anymore, it’s all CGI.
Okay, what’s CGI?
I know what that is, but I’m not exactly sure what it all stands for.
I would love to play in an orchestra.
Better still, be the conductor!
I wonder if the orchestra players really pay attention to the conductor.
I’ve been extremely annoyed at someone in the past 24 hours.
I don’t get irritated easily.
I wear a ring on my pinky finger.
I’d prefer to sing the second voice (harmony) in a choir.
Pfft, who wants to sing in a choir when you can go solo.
There’s at least one teddy bear in the room that I’m in now.
I have something from Build-a-Bear.
And it’s not even a bear.
I just yawned.
I sneeze at least three times in a row.
I have the biggest eyes in my family.
I wouldn’t even know it if I were standing right next to a Jonas Brother.
The last person I texted is blood-related to me in some way.
When I grow up, I wanna be famous.
I can’t stand the Pussycat Dolls.
I know someone who knows someone famous.
I’m registered to an official fanclub.
I hate it when Youtube videos take forever to buffer.
I hate it even more when the title says one thing but the video is another thing all together!
I want Brad and Angelina to adopt me too!
I have my own personal blog.
Victoria’s Secret models are hot. (ok lar)
I could never be a model because I love to eat. (more of because of my faceXP)
I know how to play the bass guitar.
I listen to Christian rock music.
I’d love to learn how to speak Mandarin Chinese.
I’m listening to my favourite song right now!
I’m going to bed within the next 3 hours.
I can’t even remember the last time I did a chore.
I’ve made a bolding survey before.
I think it’s easier than making a random survey.
I made my Xanga layout myself .
I can’t stand girls who claim that they will marry their celebrity heartthrob.
I laughed at Rihanna’s “Umbrella” the first time I heard it
Considering how much I eat, I’m pretty okay weight-wise.
I must have everything in my favourite colour!
I am single.
I have a girlfriend.
Currently I have feelings for one girl.(erm,becoming insignificant alr XDD)
One of my favorite discussion topics is girls.
I like guys with facial hair.(I'm not sure if its relevant if i change this to girls so i'll not botherXDD)
I like clean shaven guys.(nor this)
I’ve been married.
I’ve been divorced.
I’ve wanted to marry a girl-friend before.
My favorite Color on girls is white.
My Favorite Color on girls is black.
It’s creepy when some girls wear pink.
I like girls with blonde hair.
I like girls with black hair.
I like girls with brown hair.
I like girls with red hair.
I like Emo Girls.
I like Punk Girls.
I like cheerleaders.
Blue eyes on girls are beautiful!
Green eyes are the best!
Tall, dark, handsome with dark brown eyes!(nor this)
I’ve been given flowers for Valentines Day.
My favorite part about girls is how funny they are.
Girls; Can’t live with them, can’t live without them
I’ve said, “Why can’t they invent something besides girls to marry?”
I’ve kicked a guy where it hurts before. (nor this)
I have been to the movies alone with a girl.
I’ve been in love.
I’ve eaten alone with a girl before.
I’ve been on a date.
I like Christian girls.
I don’t care about religion when it comes to girls
I have called a girl pretty/hot before.
I can look at a cute girl and not think about sex.
I don’t like girls who drink.
I don’t like girls who smoke.
I don’t like girls who sleep around.
I like good moral girls.
I like girls who know how to work, but don’t become workaholics.
I like girls who believe in waiting for marriage for sex.
I’ve almost crashed my car because I saw a cute girl. (if bike,then yeah)
A girl has given me flowers before.
A girl has kissed me in the last week.
A girl has hugged me in the last week.
I’ve tripped checking out a cute girl.
I’ve bought a movie/book just because the girl in it was cute.
I love it when guys go shirtless (nor this)
I know a guy who has gotten a girl pregnant.
1 of my best friend(s) is a girl(s).
I’ve had a girl in my room before.
I’ve been to girls house.
I’ve taken a picture of a girl I like in the last three months
Girls look like angels when they sleep
I’ve been asked for my phone number by a girl before (pretty innocently=_=)
I’ve bought a girl a birthday present before.

Hmmm,how do I feel now.....11/06/2010-2257

2010-06-23T07:56:00.000-07:00

Im not sure why I'm blogging now,I don't really have many frequent readers.Sighs....its a personal journal anyway. So here's the thing, vicious cycle?you have no idea. I keep beating myself up on the inside, for feeling so lonely,due to the fact I'm a loner, and cos I'm pessimistic.[whats the point?]. I don't know,I just can't seem to find my place....

~+~

I'm considering making my blog private again.Recently my posts have been very much just the surface thoughts,and never the deeper stuff. Prolly because I let some people in from my class,some people whom (MAYBE) I'm not too close enough (YET). SO now I have two choices, ignore my conscience, make it private again,and invite only 2 or 3 ppl,or i can choose to just keep blogging like this with no actual new content on my blog because I'm too busy feeling beat-up all the time with no real outlet.

~+~

Ever felt dehumanised?like youre just no longer significant......I keep getting that feeling.....and I know I've back slided alot spiritually if I've ever pulled strong in the first place because I'm starting to question if I'm significant to God.IM not the deepest of guys(I know deeper ppl),I'm not the wisest,I'm not exactly the best at guitar or music,nor the smartest, nor the strongest. So who am i?"A flower quickly fading,here today and gone tmr,a wave tossed in the ocean, a vapor in the wind..."sighs....

~+~

I've been love sick over love lately....and thought abit about it....the funny thing about crushes is that you mostly look at the negatively consequences of it, the funny thing about being crushed on,is that, for abit at least, there's a fluttery feeling just simply knowing you matter to somebody. Strangely,the nice feeling comes discretely, and you only realise it existed after its gone....sighs.,..

Sometimes i wondered what it would be like if a girl ever had feelings for me.

[flashback]:[UO]:"The most precious thing a girl can ever give a guy is her heart. If a girl ever gives you hers, treasure it, and don't play around with it."

~+~

Am I ready to handle a girl's heart?O_O I know how to appreciate it,but can I cradle it?After all, Loving poetry and having the capability to interpret it are two different things. sighs.....why am I all of a sudden talking about this?recently i had suspicions that a friend of mine was crushing on me, but I guess it turned out to be nothing after all. It was a relief and a disappointment at the same time. Oh well,learning experience at least. Hadn't gotten this feeling since sherry.I mean,she was the only girl that ever told me she was crushing on me. (alright,was pretty young then)....first i felt eww.....and after it was over it was more of "sighs....it's over"......in other words, I wasn't able to appreciate it til it was gone. But ok,learning experience, I guess I'll just be prepared for when someone does develope feelings for me.

~+~-~+~-~+~-~+~-~+~-~+~-~+~-~+~-~+~-~+~-~+~-~+~

150 questions

2010-06-22T20:37:00.000-07:00

Found this on Jayne's blog which she found on Denise's blog.looks like fun so I'll give it a try XP
~
[will Bold those I've done before]
~
01. Bought everyone in the bar a drink

02. Swam with dolphins

03. Climbed a mountain -MT Jantan

04. Taken a Ferrari for a test drive

05. Been inside the Great Pyramid

06. Held a tarantula

07. Taken a candlelit bath with someone

08. Said “I love you” and meant it

09. Hugged a tree

10. Bungee jumped

11. Visited Paris

12. Watched a lightning storm at sea-was kayaking at that point of time

13. Stayed up all night long and saw the sun rise

14. Seen the Northern Lights

15. Gone to a huge sports game

16. Walked the stairs to the top of the leaning Tower of Pisa

17. Grown and eaten your own vegetables

18. Touched an iceberg

19. Slept under the stars

20. Changed a baby’s diaper

21. Taken a trip in a hot air balloon

22. Watched a meteor shower

23. Gotten drunk on champagne

24. Given more than you can afford to charity

25. Looked up at the night sky through a telescope

26. Had an uncontrollable giggling fit at the worst possible moment

27. Had a food fight

28. Bet on a winning horse

29. Asked out a stranger

30. Had a snowball fight

31. Screamed as loudly as you possibly can-was young and playfulXP

32. Held a lamb

33. Seen a total eclipse

34. Ridden a roller coaster

35. Hit a home run

36. Danced like a fool and didn’t care who was looking

37. Adopted an accent for an entire day

38. Actually felt happy about your life, even for just a moment

39. Had two hard drives for your computer

40. Visited all 50 states

41. Taken care of someone who was drunk

42. Had amazing friends

43. Danced with a stranger in a foreign country

44. Watched whales

45. Stolen a sign

46. Backpacked in Europe

47. Taken a road-trip

48. Gone rock climbing

49. Taken a midnight walk on the beach -was during a cousin's birthday party,felt like taking some time off and the beach was nearby.

50. Gone sky diving

51. Visited Ireland

52. Been heartbroken longer than you were actually in love

53. In a restaurant, sat at a stranger’s table and had a meal with them

54. Visited Japan

55. Milked a cow

56. Alphabetized your CDs

57. Pretended to be a superhero-I was young...spiderman

58. Sung karaoke

59. Lounged around in bed all day

60. Played touch football

61. Gone scuba diving

62. Kissed in the rain

63. Played in the mud

64. Played in the rain

65. Gone to a drive-in theatre

66. Visited the Great Wall of China

67. Started a business

68. Fallen in love and not had your heart broken

69. Toured ancient sites

70. Taken a martial arts class

71. Played D&D for more than 6 hours straight

72. Gotten married

73. Been in a movie

74. Crashed a party

75. Gotten divorced

76. Gone without food for 5 days

77. Made cookies from scratch-was a kindergarden project.....peanut butter cookies,though I didn't actually do the baking.

78. Won first prize in a costume contest

79. Ridden a gondola in Venice

80. Gotten a tattoo

81. Rafted the Snake River

82. Been on a television news program as an “expert”

83. Gotten flowers for no reason

84. Performed on stage

85. Been to Las Vegas

86. Recorded music-not official though

87. Eaten shark -shark's fin soup??

88. Kissed on the first date

89. Gone to Thailand

90. Bought a house

91. Been in a combat zone

92. Buried both of your parents

93. Been on a cruise ship

94. Spoken more than one language fluently

95. Performed in Rocky Horror

96. Raised children

97. Followed your favorite band/singer on tour

98. Passed out cold

99. Taken an exotic bicycle tour in a foreign country

100. Picked up and moved to another city to just start over

101. Walked the Golden Gate Bridge

102. Sang loudly in the car, and didn’t stop when you knew someone was looking with the windows open

103. Had plastic surgery

104. Survived an accident that you shouldn’t have survived

105. Wrote articles for a large publication

106. Lost over 100 pounds

107. Held someone while they were having a flashback

108. Piloted an airplane

109. Touched a stingray

110. Broken someone’s heart -for the lesser of two evil choices.

111. Helped an animal give birth

112. Won money on a TV game show

113. Broken a bone

114. Gone on an African photo safari

115. Had a facial part pierced other than your ears

116. Fired a rifle, shotgun, or pistol -air rifle counts?

117. Eaten mushrooms that were gathered in the wild

118. Ridden a horse

119. Had major surgery

120. Had a snake as a pet

121. Hiked to the bottom of the Grand Canyon

122. Slept for 30 hours in a 48 hour period

123. Visited more foreign countries than U.S. States

124. Visited all 7 continents

125. Taken a canoe trip that lasted more than 2 days

126. Eaten kangaroo meat

127. Eaten sushi

128. Had your picture in the newspaper -when I was really really young

129. Changed someone’s mind about something you care deeply about

130. Gone back to school -not quite sure what that means...im still schooling??

131. Parasailed

132. Touched a cockroach

133. Eaten fried green tomatoes

134. Read The Iliad and The Odyssey

135. Selected one “important” author who you missed in school, and read

136. Killed and prepared an animal for eating

137. Skipped all your school reunions

138. Communicated with someone without sharing a common spoken language

139. Been elected to public office

140. Written your own computer language

141. Thought to yourself that you’re living your dream

142. Had to put someone you love into hospice care

143. Built your own PC from parts -if you count taking parts from another computer and elsewhere and installing/replacing similar parts it into my main computer then yeah.

144. Sold your own artwork to someone who didn’t know you

145. Had a booth at a street fair

146. Dyed your hair

147. Been a DJ

148. Shaved your head

149. Caused a car accident

150. Saved someone’s life

so that more or less concludes itXP

Went to scl today

2010-06-22T07:27:00.000-07:00

Theres just something about school I find to be a haven.Especially when there's NO lessons...Maybe I'm weird. I just like the serenity of being in a place whereby all the comfortable facilities are there with few people around.Why not home?scl has air-con, and also its just the cosy feeling of being some place where i usually encounter ppl i know,but with the lowered chance of encountering them there.

~+~
Today Luk Meng and Li Ming found my chillin spot in the library...Luk Meng kept teasing me its an emo-spot, while the I respond....its not, its just a cosy spot...sighs....where I thought no one could find me....(am I THAT transparent???)

~+~

Today I met them for group project meeting.Luk Meng came early then came to look for me,then Chels abit later.

~+~

I'm not sure what else to talk about now....(and those who know me well enough know that usually means I have ALOT to say but just don't feel like saying it....)lol...here goes

Playing with fire

bound to get burnt.

I don't know if its harmful(this time round)
but i know its dangerous...

to feel the warm glow

upon my face...

(I know I shouldn't)

~+~

I know I should {extinguish it}

but am I strong enough?

[conscience]:"You know it would be much harder to put out if the flame goes out of control"

(I know)

~+~

Afraid

[of what?]

I don't know...

What am I afraid of?

whatever it is, it is here.

Am I just thinking too much?

The answer-

[conscience]:"I can't tell you if you yourself don't know."

[me]:"I can't make up my mind..."

Do i?

Or don't i?

My heart aches for something I can't see

but i feel it creeping out from inside me...

Neither

2010-06-22T06:54:00.000-07:00

one is lousy at showing he cares, one is awesome at showing she doesn't...

Say hello to Taffy....she's Takamines's bodyguard.

2010-06-21T00:52:00.000-07:00

Ok,I haven't blogged in a while.The other day I got a new guitar with darryl and nicholas. Its more of a scapegoat guitar; I'm carrying it around in place of my takamine so that if anyone ever knocks my guitar bag on the train or so,its not as painful as if I had my takamine inside....it would just be taffy. Its quite cheap compared to my takamine and sounds not as good( >_>obviously). But its ok for practicing:P....I like the colour of it but i Don't really like the strings.....(rainbow colouredXP)....never the less, its a guitar I'm ok carrying about...so yeah:)

sighs......

the love bug is in the air...getting love sick.....over love itself.....like i can't possibly imagine myself being with anyone I know....and to be honest,back in secondary school,i actually thought id meet someone in poly.....well,i dont see anyone who could potentially be THE ONE for me....there are nice people no doubt,but I don't think they are my type.....O_O come to think about it...I don't even know what "my type" is....sighs. Maybe when I meet her I'll know her, or maybe its someone I've alr met, but needs time to flourish....is it wrong to try to anticipate it?

[conscience]: well in a sense...you know you're not suppose to.

[me]:sighs....youre right,i shouldnt even be thinking about it....just wished sometimes that there was someone...

[conscience]:all in good time.patience is key.she will be there,and when she is,then you will see.

Cover:)

2010-06-17T09:31:00.000-07:00

well,today I went over to Darryl's house,and we made a cover song of "Our God is an Awesome God".It was pretty good I think:).we took alot of time coming out with the draft as to who does what when how and all those. And as for the practice, it took a whole bunch more of time as we had to clarify exactly how things go as we play throughout the song. Well,it wasn't the full song,just the chorus like hillsong united's version, but we added in our own touch to it:). If anyone wants to listen,just contact me or something k?I alr got my first compliment on it:D
.
.
we also played warcraft multiplayer and failed many times at beating the AI teams(all of which for some reason just seem to want to go out of the way to attack the human players instead of the other AI teams[no we didnt team them all against us]-for some strange reason,when you look at the map,ALL of their armies go out of the way towards our dirrection=_=.They occasionally clash with each other,but usually strike from opposite sides of the town to spell out utter doom.)
.
.
I also found out that blueberry milk tea bubble tea wasnt that bad no matter how gross it sounded.XD

*whispers.....anyone?!?16/06/2010

2010-06-15T23:02:00.000-07:00

Well.....today was the first day at magic club,though it was more of the orientation programme. They didnt teach us much, just one card trick but they showed us alot more.(looks to the bottom right-hand corner of the computer screen....oh look at that.......my crush just logged on.....sighs......)[oh well,nevermind that]

Luk meng and Li ming were suppose to be here today, but they both have church camp. So now I don't really have anyone to hang out with,just in the scl library. So I guess I have time to blog....

I'm getting closer to some of my classmates now I guess. Am starting to talk more, I guess thats good,but I still kinda feel left out every now and then when I look at my msn screen....oh well, thats why i have computer games and my guitar...

Went to t-junction yesterday and had a bomb of a time with my ex 2e2 buds, especially the ping pong table, which is like a must-play for me everytime I go there....oh,and the x-box was fun too i guessXDD,played halo. also practiced a bit of guitar with Darryl, so familiarised myself abit better with "heart of worship"....oh,and i practiced on a classical:).....well,the sound isnt as good but the strings are easier to press,so i guess it was both pleasant and unpleasant compared to my acoustic(which has much harder strings but sounds so much better):) ...

now on to how i'm feeling at the moment....well-I'm not as down as the past few days thats good news:). but i keep getting this "i-wish-there-was-that-someone-special-for-me" kind of feeling...but i guess in time,eventually....sighs....does it make me a hypocrite if I know I'm not ready for a girl-friend but I wished I had one?or is it just hardwired into me-like how Eve was Adam's own special female to make him complete....?

Speechless?..no;just..unheard

2010-06-14T07:31:00.000-07:00

isolated though youre there

among the sunflowers in the meadow i see you

whilst i await upon the feilds

waiting for you...

here i await,the classless weed,

for the butterflies to show their presence.

against the law of nature?!?

....

is it my fault for being quiet

if no one understands me?

I'm saying all i want to say

but no one hears me.

....I am not

the roses or the violets

or the flowers wavering in the breeze

i am just~

me...

....................

even though thats not good enough

or nothing you can see.

why protest, and ask me to speak?

can the clan of dogs ever understand

the howl of a wolf

beyond the fact that its a howl?

I am not one of you

thats all there is to it

I am the only dog who is not a dog

the odd one out

in a pack of 21.

.....................

never the being with a face any would ever understand

because im not like you.

im a lone wolf in a dog clan

lonely even though others are there

as long as you can never understand my howls

you will never hear me bark.

...........................................

cos i'm the odd one out,

without a face,

the alpha-dog

in a wolf clan of one,

surrounded by twenty...

where no one understand me...

~+~

2010-06-11T08:14:00.000-07:00

Silence

the voice of my company

my companions

my social life.

the breeze of an instance

one moment here

and next moment gone

i am

another 1

in a world of 4,000,000,000,+++

but another one

breathing,

consuming the resources of the earth

,moss on a tree/

mushroom in the meadows,

a parasite...

hungering selfishly

for the warmth and presence

of OTHERS

to bring heat to my cold blooded heart

thick skin 'O' mine...

and no one felt whats inside me...

Some things one can't change,master status branches out from aescribed status....

2010-06-10T11:05:00.000-07:00

Well today we had the ITABS test....morning wasn't good....started off the day finding out that a certain somebody (aka lukky) spread my Writ com grade all around the class ,and beyond, which brought me unwanted attention....=_=.....and ppl are reluctant to share with me their grades cos they feel inferior or something.......(awesome way to feel less motivated to socialise...)......

.

the test was ok.after that we went to kbox....

I was looking forward to it but after awhile it just made me feel out of place.....especially all the chinese songs....when everyone who was there broke out into singing along with the chinese songs but me,it made me realise....as much as i try to be on par withh them,il never actually be one of them....never been part of any group of thems since primary school anyway...=_=......always been this language barrier,when it came to 2e2,it was chinese,when it came to 4e2,it was slang,when it came to my clique 2009,it was japanese....im just Andre....the mixed blood guy with only one language:(

.

Once again I remember,the girl i have infatuations for is of a different world,she lives her life in the chinese world and im living in my own world....another bit of proof that its just infatuation and im incompatible with anyone....

.

still lonely,no one from my class ever starts an msn convo with me except for rational reasons.and when i start one,i just dont know what to say,or how to say it,so i just back out or i just really dont feel like talking anyway.....the thing about computer games,at least you know what you should do.when it comes to people,well,no one really cares so....yeah........

.

I'm probably gonna skip ythe next outing if theres one,don't feel like it,whatever or wherever it is.....just can't clique with my class,just the nameless guy,but oh wells,i fine with it by now i guess.

.

i know i sound pretty gossipy right now,but its just how i feel, just hope none of them read this...well i nhave told one or two of them my url before but they never seemed to come back,so yeah....

Falling in love is the developement of weakness

2010-06-05T04:10:00.000-07:00

Weakened by nature,
lessened in own's eyes.
From a former strengh
invisible
but invincible
taken down by that
of his core
(his heart)-if he still has one
and rejected by his hard-drive.
What does one do when his feelings and morals clash?

A war within a soul,
a toll upon the being.

A sheep in wolves' clothes unclothed and naked,
No thickness of skin can shield you from love's arrows.
Seeing half a bed empty-weakening your hide
only half a circle-incomplete flesh.

A behemoth first invincible made vulnerable.
A man trailed no longer by physique but on the strengh of his heart.
A behemoth born strong
and his weakness is
-his rib-....

So hunts forever-unfulfilled

2010-06-05T04:08:00.000-07:00

The lone wolf stalks
only his shadow
from
round the globe...
~
Rejected by nature
Rejected by man.
A few too many inches
from being man's-best-friend
A few too few comrades
from being but lone.
~
The alpha wolf
of the pack
the pack of one
hunting the shadows,
endlessly
round the abyss
for eternity
~
awaiting cruel fate
but endless torture awaits...
~+~

...

2010-05-28T08:12:00.000-07:00

Hey,to what little readers I have, I havent blogged in awhile, but I haven't forgotten my blog. I'm just...not sure what to say....I have alot going on in my head right now....and I feel isolated, from the rest of my class......if I were to say more on how I felt, I could scare alot of people...so I'll just stop here

would you miss me if I were gone?

would you feel that something was missing,

had I not been in the first place...?

Hi....

2010-05-24T09:38:00.000-07:00

Well,its been pretty bumpy recently. With the work load I have. Projects, essays etc.Its like I want to get it done but I'm reluctant to start. This so isn't me, I always jumped into my lit essays.
Also, feeling lonely quite often. Its hard to explain. Its liike I have people there whom I physically call my friends. But when it comes to personal stuff, they just don't quite seem nearby. It been awhile since I last hung out with my BB bros. Training together at the chin-up bars every recess was something I used to look forward to.
Ever felt like you have been forgotten by the world?left out from the gemeinshaft relationships you see other having, and having gesellshaft relationships with everyone?
Sighs...and to make matters worst I'm starting to develope feelings for a buddist girl. I mean,I really really really really really really really really really really admire her charcater. I'm just afraid, spiritually.

Ebbing down

2010-05-09T19:43:00.001-07:00

Burning
flames
aggression/power
the emissions of suppression
clawing out from within my soul.
upon the abyss;
weakened and worn-out...
the essence of life fading to dust and blown by the wind.
another speck upon the dunes.

Hey wanna know whats up?

2010-05-04T08:27:00.000-07:00

now isn't this post annoying!?!

Hi...from the lowest ebb made neutral

2010-04-29T08:29:00.000-07:00

...Now in my new class,there's some activity our sociology teacher is getting us to participate in.Briefly,its just the angel-mortal programme.where by everyone has a mortal but by right no one should know their angel;who is suppose to take care of them from afar and anonymously.Its interesting of course,but its not easy to maintain.

Menwhile,there's this girl from my new jumpstart course....T_T there's just ALOT of things about her that reminds me of arhcael....:(
This girl acts like her,looks quite alot like her,talks like her,and even expresses herself in the same nonchalantly cautious ways that arhcael would have....
Oh well,what on earth am i thinking anyway....like arhcael should even matter now....

after all,quite frankly speaking,gender doesnt really matter except in reproduction...
I shouldn't even care about that should I?...

"a foolish man follows his heart." "a wise man guides his!"

at the end of the day

when all four corners are lighted

and all four walls are thickened.

should it be considered cruel

to the prisoner inside?

!guilty

of murder,pain and misery

killing the will to exist onward

and filling the vaccum with hatred.

Who is this prisoner

many may ask.

"forgive yourself".

"let me go!"the internal heart protests.

the prisoner;the warden's heart.

guilty of treason

and sabotage to thee.

letting loose its deceptive wrath,of crushes and infatuations

upon the world.

when the heart cannot be trusted to lead,

isnt it not possible to let it loose

without the sting of consequence,

knawing at your core...

~+~

2010-04-23T08:39:00.000-07:00

Well aint this great.My mixpod isnt working now.I have lots of essays to do,I have a ton of things I need to do and half a ton of which I'm procrastinating.

Now its still early and I'm already sort of a social outcast in my class.Funny thing is,I out casted myself.[What am I afraid of.]

My class once again has the majority of the population being girls.Well,apart from a few it took me about 2 years to adjust to my upper sec class...

I guess what I'm afraid of is that people don't understand me,(ironic for my course),and people misread me and end up thinking I'm something I'm not before I disappoint them.If happiness awaits at the end of the race,why don't I catch glipses of it everytime I complete a lap?

When all that we fight for turns to vain,what motivation can one find to continue the race. Without the formal uniform of all selfish characters and traits of the working world creeping onto our very dendrites.

Well,I guess,new faces new friends.And one of the hardest social challenges I'm facing?I want a gf...-well that's alot of complications to it.

its all just in my subconscious mind,the need to find someone.But where then?!?

My conscious mind is my biggest defense to my subconscious' thoughts and non-rational decisions that keep giving me the ned to feel like there's someone there.

But I know that if I get one for the sake of getting one,it would all be for the wrong reasons,and when the focal point of my psychological needs change,how much can I still say I would appreciate being in a relationship...(theres no [?] cos its retorical)

Oh wells,what I DO know is this.If I ever do get one,itd have to start from friendship,and it would be someone that I can feel comfortable with being honest with.About who I am/what I am,even things I wouldnt talk about on my blog.that would be the one person I can find promissing...if she exists that is :(...

Oh wells,to my future spouse wherever you are.you may or may not know me now,nor vice-versa.But where ever you are The One for me,I miss you :'(

And I'm waiting for you.

Long time havent been here.lots happened part 2 - the bad news

2010-04-15T01:06:00.000-07:00

My Grandmother passed away.I'm not too concerned about her sould though.she was the strongest christian in the family-among all my relatives.She was amazingly strong in faith.Though I had to cancel a BB BBQ and parade and a camp and a programme to attend her funeral.But everything is still OK.Been in Malaysia for longer than expected and now that im back in Singapore,I realise I haven't missed much.

At the end of the day,

when the porcelain perception on the surface

of one's personality is

discovered in depth

is there more than what one hopes there was,

or has the overestimated mystery from first impression led

to sheer disappointment?

Long time havent been here.lots happened part 1-the good news

2010-04-15T00:55:00.000-07:00

Been living the past few weeks.like seriously living.I cant even remember EVERYTHING I did but its all been interesting,been for camps,lots of movies(until I LITERALLY RAN OUT OF GOOD MOIVIES TO WATCH)been playing new computer games and finding my old ones-esp Warcraft.(which i played multiplayer at Darryl's house)been running out of time.so MUCH TO DO,SO LITTLE time.

Heck,who cares about the rest of the world,my small circle is all i need.and it rocked louder than when I'm with people I want to believe were fun.

(occasionally theres this small little vacuum in that core of mine i call a heart,but whats the point of filling it if its only for the sake of filling it.)

To fill just to relieve an absence

Will result in the lack of something there to feel.

When the component of feeling feels nothing;

neither full nor empty

how does it know it exists?

it doesnt!

Flames that burn beyond the control of the human heart

2010-03-25T09:00:00.000-07:00

Flames of sadism/

splints of blindness,

piercing through my core.

Glances of ice/

Words of knives,

homing through the abyss.

~+~

Whilst your flames hammer onto the outer walls of the egg shell

THEY ARE MERELY ORANGE FLAMES

WHY IS IT THEY BURN SO MUCH

...

oh,wait...

the burn comes from the blue flames of ones vulnerability ebbed down

the Trojan from inside.

I guess I missed you more than I thought.

~+~

I shouldn't

my heart

my core

So long I tried to train.

behemoth layered thick with pain

the lifehouse of my invincible fortress

now set ablazed by flames.

I know the flames burn heavily for you,

the eruption of dynamite sealed deep

~+~

But eitherway its all too wrong,

I don't know exactly how I feel about you,but I know that I shouldn't-

If I have romantic feelings for you,I haven't controlled my heart well enough,

my will power is weak.

If tose flames are flames of hatred.I'm not suppose to hate.

ARGH!!!so many girls I've met in a life time and youre the one who stirs up the feelings in me-

just a strange little girl i hope i hate,for the sake of the lesser evil of the two.

My private corner,expanded to my world...

2010-03-19T09:22:00.000-07:00

"My private corner,expanded to my world,and as my own life reprogrammes,I deleted some extras and NPCs,and found a few more...!"

My mushroom farm(only three ppl I know would get this),expanded,spreading and devouring,every inch of greenery.

I don't mean to sound emo,but I really didn't feel like associating with many ppl recently,just a few...
And I don't mean to sound sexist,but I'm disliking girls more and more nowadays,just a few exceptions that don't know I have a blog.

How to put this....[stuns for a few minutes]....I know guy's are more commonly associated with brute genetical invincibility,but some girls just act like guys have no feelings...
Maybe I don't I don't know,I'm trying to figure out,[I know I can feel angry,and frustrated,sadness...[usually I go to sleep as soon as possible and undergo cartharsis in my sleep.]

Oh wells,Like girls would know what feelings are anyway,or maybe they are right...taken from the earth and moulded from clay,what more am I then an inanimate object longing for what every girl always expects would attract a guy and treating him with no individual identity.

And one more thing I dislike about girls is their relation to guys like kryptonite(sp) to superman.I've seen girls flirt their way through a group of guys,and they are no longer guys.

~+~

taken from the Earth and moulded from Clay

What am i

but an inanimate object built to live.

living lifeless

suppressed silence

judged by the hammer of the species of weakness.

an object of clay,soft but fragile

and his weakness is

his rib...

~+~

The bots won't die,the war we will never win,surviving daily is a victory,but our stamina ebs down.(something about work)

2010-03-03T09:28:00.000-08:00

To our stations

We disperse as soon as the pre-war briefing ends.

Our mission;stay alive

Day by Day they return.

An endless stream of swordfish.
(Just another fish in the sea?)"just you wait!"

The sea is not a place you want to be-

lingering beyond your control-

upon the surface where the big blue plains stretch to the calm horizons.

Yet you know not what awaits you beneath

("do you really want to?")

This war we fight,what victory have we?-

when all we do is watch our comrades leave one by one

Swallowed whole by Fatigue
Submiting to the sea.

chances of being shot by the rifle of the workload?

1 over many to 1 over 1

The sithe of the reaper's claw eliminating every last soul until the fields lay barren.

Where no victory awaits,

Where war can never be won,

Where one sailor marooned upon the gaping blue,

~+~

How long the band of soldiers stand

Againts the limitless enemy.

Who rage fourth striking every new head down.

And now I am at the neck...

Okay,I haven't come to my blog in a really long time....

2010-03-02T03:13:00.000-08:00

Life's been interesting lately.I feel like I want to be better in every attribute I ever had before and every attribute I never did.Even tried to learn telekinesis(maybe its just not meant for me.).I do believe it exists,I just don't think I'm suppose to learn it (yet).Cos when I started out,I said this to God,"Lord,If you will me to not learn this now,I pray that I won't succeed."Anyway,its unofficial science not dark magic,just requires alot of focus and training over time.(No one can lift 200 lbs if they have never touched 10lbs)

Anyway,I'm longing for wisdom above alot of other attributes.I've started to realise over the past many months that no attribute can be used effectively or for any good if wisdom is not present in using it.Without wisdom,no man can learn to maintain strengh or find a good use for it.Without wisdom,what intelligence can be put to use for the greater good.Without spiritual wisom in check,how close to God can a boy grow to without the greed for every other attribute in the way.

I hope I'm growing in wisdom,and not just confuscious wisdom,I want to grow in spiritual wisdom.

Life at 333 is getting interesting(when its good and/or bad).All the part timers that taught me there are almost completely gone.Im now just about a senior here but of rather few ppl.I have church friends now working in the hotel and one of them wants to transfer from pine court to 333.She just told me today.But gotta see how it goes,have to arrange with the A.Ms.They are starting to lack work force already,especially for morning.Now I have two ppl over me sort of duking it out with each other every work day im there for my errands.one of my captains wants me to do placemats and all the odd jobs that needs during asap,and one of the A.Ms wants me to stay at the bar counter to prepare drinks and push them etc...

oh wells.off day now,soon to enter poly and I'm looking forward to it with the fear of loneliness in the corner of my bagpack.(I know I know;"make new friends".But I can't really open up to new acquaintances just like that...takes lots of time in-between.)Oh wells...:) I guess I really appreciate my other BB primer dudes(and dudets) for being just a phone call away,and most I can talk to.Also really appreciate these ppl,(you should be able to identify your own coded name when you read this)for being someone that time has shown to be among the ones I can open up to most.[aDrrly, iWelne, aJictnah, aSamtnah, nArdae, aDinle]

:) Happiness is one's own less distress

2010-02-17T08:40:00.000-08:00

Today was good,took time out for myself to go rollerbalding to around christ church sec scl.Took alot of pics I mustve missed on bike.(this is the first time ive gone for a picture taking trip around scl on blades.Usually I just do blades only around East Coast park,Pasir ris park,etc...)
Perhaps I'l post them later.

Heard that Weng Tat quit.Yesterday was his last day.Jia Jun is going this Friday,and Terrence is going on the 2nd of march,Hayati too...

(i'm not sure when I'm planning to quit but it'l be before poly starts...(I'm looking forward to poly.))

Now as I look back where I've been,

Far behind down the path-

where I came from-

~-~

I see myself struggling with my haversack

full of tid-bits,Ice-cream,and every sweet food I loved.

The things I thought I could never part with

that weighed me down and slowed my steps.

~-~

I asked for this burden to be taken away,for

,I knew if I were to become too dependent on it,

that when it would be no more

The pain of withdrawal

would be greater worse than the lesser joy it brought.

~-~

Now my need for it no longer stands,

but just for the record-

It wasn't the influence of them that was my fatality,

(it was my inability to control my need.)

~-~

Nothing personal,

but thnx for being there in the way you were-

numbers 24,26 and 2

~+~

sincerely free,

~Me~

"""""""""

Finding wisdom in its own,questioning my motives

2010-02-15T08:59:00.000-08:00

Haven't blogged in a while.Anyway,lots of stuff happening nowadays.I really want to take some time fore myself to go roller blading and to do chin-ups again but in my free time I either just fb,guitar,or push-ups(that is-whats left of my free time.)I'm blogging now at night anyway so its not much time to go out.I really want to go somewhere for some recreation away from people,by myself,I don't mean to think emo about that but it would be nice to have my me-time.

Yesterday at one of my uncle's house,I heard my uncle say something about my dad wanting to take me out to look for the guitar tmr...though I'm not sure yet what guitar I like.I like electric guitars for their ability to stretch notes easily and sensitiveness to its strings.I like semi-solid guitars for their to play acoustic sounds and electric sounds(and the in built tuner for easy dropping or raising of tuning),I like acoustic guitars for their natural look(like semi-solids better).
I like classical guitars for their user-friendly-ness to plucking because of the width in the fingerboard.

Today,a government official ate at the VIP room.I'm not sure if I can say who though,but lets just say he's pretty high up,not all the way but still high.He ate mostly chatterbox food though and members from his security crew walked through the stewarding every now and then.They are quite friendly though.

There were two plates of yu sheng today(sp).two plates of it,so I had one to myself some with some pepsi and two glasses of apple juice(I love apple juice :) ) the other I couldnt eat because I had toi rush for the train.made it to the last train to kranji though.

Gonna have a CNY party at Mr Cheong's house tmr.I'm not sure if its for BB 11th coy primers or 2006/2007 ex-2e2 people.But either way I'm going:)

yesterday/today

2010-02-07T09:33:00.000-08:00

yesterday-
Was great....
(elaborate)
Well,first in the morning I had BB.I kind of woke up late,cos I had primers' CG late on friday night and I forgot to set the alarm.But seeing how I have been waking up around 10-12 am these past few days it's amazing I auto-woke at 7.30(was still 30mins late in the end-reached at 8.45).
But apparently no one was strongly against me[perhaps its because I'm coming back to BB voluntarily now :) ]

Later in the day our captain gave wanted to treat us to lunch so he gave 9 of us primers $150 to share out,we went to pizza hut at first but decided we didn't like the food there so we went to sunplaza's Sakae Sushi and had the buffet there.top up at most $2 or so.ate til full.I was the first " pang seh"(sp) kid though,cause I was alr running late for Daniel's church event. changed from P.T clothes to mufti in the public restroom and rushed over to causeway point.(wasnt quite sure where the church was.

At cwp I couldn't contact Daniel but started heading towards where I thought I had an idea of where Daniel's church was,but when I reached it I found it was the woodlands community centre.Then I started heading towards Jia ming's church just because it seemed to be the next nearest one.When I walked in,I felt lost but a girl just approached me and asked if Daniel invited me...!?!?!(i wasn't sure how she knew seeing as LOTS of ppl are involved in the organising and inviting).but i just stunned and replied "Yeah!".

The V-day event was quite fun,its alot to talk about but this is going to be one long post and I'm not sure how long a post my readers are willing to read anyway.The food wasn't bad(it was good in fact).

Today-

My dad brought me to Yamaha at Thompson plaza to check out the semi-solid guitars and amps.I liked the feel of the cpx500 better but my dad said that the cpx700 though was more expensive,was of much better quality.full wood or something like that compared to laminated wood.The guy who served us was from city harvest church.

Went to work after that.Founf out that Cheryl told the rest that she Is Darryl's sister-GAME OVER-:( It was fun to keep her identity a secret.

The food was better than a few days back(larger spread) and one chef gave me cheese cake and another offered me ice-cream(she didn't have any new chocolate so I just went with Vanilla and Strawberry(which melted halfway behind the counter where we hid the food we stored aside).After yesterday's sushi I also lost my appetite for today's sushi in comparison.I didn't make myself hot chocolate today though.Didn't feel like it.

Oh wells.gonna jinx and hex and charm ppl on superpocus on fb now.

need to destress-have lots of things to do

->design the blog for CF and invite CF ppl
->arrange with kenneth when he would like me to help him out with portraits he'l sell to
his relatives.
->Write a song for Alex's band
->decide when I would like to get new gear for poly
->tithe about $40+ more before my next payday
-> consult my uncle on which model of semi-solid he reccomends
->collect my phone back from the repair shop
->apologise to samantha I met at work from my church for forgeting her name(called her
michelle:$)
->apologise to Racheal Toh for forgetting her email and number and accidentally deleting her
sms with the info
->apologise to Darryl for getting angry at him
->apologise to Nixon for getting angry at him
->apologise to God for getting angry with the world.

Getting my social life back together.

2010-02-02T03:45:00.000-08:00

As planned I took today off work as time for myself.initially I planned to watch a movie with some ppl but in the end,everyone abandonedO_O...

Anyway,instead I went to watch Legion with Saliha today(ex colleague from 333) and the movie brought a new perspective to the apocalypse as written in revelation as to how the world will end.Its slants towards the misleading side of telling the story but it was still interesting anyway.

Today was refreshing:)

Looking forward to polytechnic!

2010-01-30T22:57:00.000-08:00

As my title suggests,I got into a course I'm satisfied with.I'l be doing Psychology with community services at Ngee Ann.I'm looking forward to it definitely(of course;it was my first choice).

Anyway,I'm still getting alot of praise from relatives about my results and all.They keep saying that its one of the best in the family.One of my aunt's even requested that I tutor her 'O' level daughter this year in my free time.[might be difficult.I'm barely getting free time to myself now].Anyway,its nice to get acknowledgement for my results,but it does seem kind of old by now.
Another of my aunts[the one that helped me pick out my courses]sent me a congratulations sms from an Australian

number.Liked that:)

my first pay....

2010-01-19T20:05:00.000-08:00

Okay,my first day at work two weeks back turned out to be the day that they compiled attendence of the previous two weeks and distributed the pay.so i only got one days worth of pay in yesterdays pay...XD 37.10 oh wells,will be looking forward to the rest of the days anyway.Anyway,the daily perks are still getting me hooked to the job.Especially the part where we eat whats left of the buffet after the customers leave.(well usually we eat 30-50% of it then we throw away the rest because no one has room).

[I think I'm growing sick of sushi]

'O' level results.

2010-01-11T03:34:00.000-08:00

The results were great.To be honest,I was extremely nervous and being last in the queue made the wait more tormenting.Then when I found out I got A1 for Pure lit,had two other As,2 Bs,and actually passed CLB,I literally leaped for joy on the spot XD XD XD XD.(okay,I kinda planned my routes with or without CLB already but its just nice to know that I passed) XD

Will still be chasing down teachers for letters of recommendations to strengthen my chances of entering Psychology.XD,and best to finish compiling that before I continue work on Wednesday.

Hey ppl,I haven't been on in a long time.

2010-01-01T20:31:00.000-08:00

Well,to be honest,I got distracted by alot of events and in my free time at home,I keep playing this new Strategy game I bought late last year."rome total invasion".I also got a game called universe at war but my graphic card is apparently half that required to run it T_T and sadly that I can't just scrap from other pcs,need one strong one not many weak ones.

Oh wells.I think I've accomplished more on the last New year's eve than any of the others.
-conquered two cities from the Egyptians(through bribe)(then I accidentally requested another faction to attack the Egyptians and the Egyptians became on bad terms with me and the cities rebelled)
-attended a potential primers meeting
-did grocery shopping(its common but not what I would usually do on New Year's eve)
-went to DTE(I didn't do much there but my sis wanted to play some explorer kiddy thingy and it was along the way)
-talking about random stuffs walking around white sands with my cousins.
-attended an annual new year's party at a relatives house.
-talked to one of my aunt's,a counsellor who already did her masters in counselling, about my future career path.
hmm(doesn't seem as much as I expected,but it was okay.)

X'mas party:)

2009-12-22T22:58:00.000-08:00

Yesterday I went to t-junction.My first time going there by myself though but it was great once I reached.Everyone was watching some movie in the theatre.I'm not sure what it was called but its suppositely a movie based on the Birth of Jesus.There was this huge container full of popcorn that everyone kept filling up their plates with throughout the movie.Must've been loads of microwave popcorn packets.Darryl himself baked bread pudding in the second floor kitchen and it was tasty.After the movie we had a 15 min or so session singing christmas songs lead by Jia ming,Lewis and Nicholas.Meanwhile Darryl who was sitting at the front kept fiddling with the melted candle wax in one of the trays on the stageXD.

After the movie we were literally UNLEASHED upon the games room on the third floor.Whoots!!!fabian and three others immediately attacked the x-box and started playing some soccer game first.meanwhile I was moving all over the place but I started off at the ping-pong table.(Zheng Teng is good at it,his serve(sp) is extremely annoying because it hits both sides at required but stays low so if you deflect it,most of the time it either goes too high or into the net,and if you do it just right,he smacks down and gets his point.)later I went for table soccer with Bara,I owned him there but he owned me back at pool later on.Still fun anyway.:) later I joined in at the x-box when they started to play Halo.I was supposed to team up with Rubin and get into the same car but later found it easier to stay apart because Robin got annoying with his rocket launcher.so we just took different outposts around the rocks and threw grenades at Robin and Zheng Teng's car when they came.

All in all,had loads of fun:D

Happy birthday,to me.XD

2009-12-12T23:48:00.000-08:00

Well,today is my birthday as titled.I'm just staying home today,nothing too big planned.But so far I would like to thank some social figures for acknowledging it.(I'll update the list as it gets bigger[if])
-Evangeline
-Ayshia
-Hema
-Hanesh
-Shaun
-Daniel
-Jenani

Whoots

2009-12-12T21:28:00.000-08:00

went to escape theme park yesterday with my mum and sis.
I tried some of all rides except three,but the highlight was the go-karting.
It started with the beginner carts.I didn't know what to expect,but I was racing against my mum and sis(my mum was driving with my sis in the passenger seat of the two-sitter while i was riding solo in my own two-sitter).
The race started,I was the third of four to start.I literally tailed people and the final car I overtook was my mum and sis.The adrenaline and all was fun.I got hooked.

Later I decided to go over to the advanced track.All single seaters and higher slopes.IT ROCKED!!! I was good at it.Not to mention that because I was one of the few single racers there,the line didn't make much of a difference as I kept getting called to the front to fill up empty karts since the rest were all in groups to race each other.I'm good at it.Heck,I rock at karts.I love it.

There was one particular girl.I don't remember her face that well but she wore a Green top and black shorts.Also hooked on it I suppose.(estimated 16 years old).One of her races I observed,she came in first.Then there was another race I got called to,came i first there,then after it was over I got back in line(planned to ride it over and over again).I didn't notice the girl was in the same race as me,she got back into the line again directly behind me with her sis or something(estimated 15).Either ways,we decided to have another challenge.Went down the line as a group of three this time round so it was a long Q,but it was a good race.
She picked cart 16;weak on the up hill but could afford to accelerate on the down slope without brakes and could preserve speed on the straight line better than other karts.I went with 29,not as good in 16's strengths,but good on the uphill.She was the third of 6 karts to start I was the fourth.caught up to her at the uphill but it wasn't a fair fight yet,so I maintained my kart next to hers there and we agreed to commence at the top just before the slope,so we did.Her kart pulled far in front of me down the slope and on the straight way,it wasn't till all the way at the commencement of the slope again that I managed to overtake.It was a good fight:) anyway,so we both commented each other for it.

Later I challenged two guys behind me.(estimated 15 and 17-19).They gave each other the "smoke this guy look" and agreed.(I was eager to get started).The younger one took dibs on the 29 and the older one took dibs on 12.good choices actually,I watched those two duke it out continuously directly in front of my 24 in one of the previous races and those two were quite good karts.I went with 24 for this race.
This time round I was released as the 1st of the 6 karts and I'm not sure when they were released.But I maintained my position all the way and didn't see any kart come into view except when I was finishing my last lap and saw the last racer during his 2nd last I think.The two guys later avoided eye contact with me as they went of and they went to some other ride.

Later I went back to the basic course again and drove my sis as a passenger.She had lots of funXD.Got 2nd.(think I would have gotten first if one of the karts I was overtaking halfway hadn't turned into me and gotten us both stuck on the track.)XD.

I really love go-karts now.It seems so much easier to overtake real karts than in the computer games where they usually give the npcs some advantage.

2009-12-10T08:25:00.000-08:00

Yesterday I managed to get out of the house on bike.Just for fun I wanted to explore the neighbourhood.Cycled to around woodgrove area(between marsiling and woodlands)/past republic poly/to scl/raced around the scl track a bunch of times just for fun.Also circled Woodlands circle a few times.Had fun:).

Anyway,this morning,my mum passed me a bunch of letters(mostly poly stuff) and one of them kinda surprised me.Was title "Edusave scholarship" for top 10 % students.Whoots,kinda brightened up my day:).

Anyway,I'm starting to find interest in Pet society again.Not to mention this Mindgym CD that leads your mind in circles.I have no idea why I play it but I find it fun.I'm not criticized for not saying that grass is green.

Haven't blogged in awhile

2009-12-08T06:19:00.000-08:00

Still quite bored at home,though managed to get out abit every now and then.

last Saturday:Went to DTE cos my mum's Mt E union got her tickets.
Was really fun,got tickets into WWW and Escape Theme park.Didn't use the escape theme park one yet but WWW was really fun.There were also lots of game booths and stuff.Was pretty much unlimited free play and the game booths were nothing boring.

There was also this game booth that had the classic slam the hammer down on the platform to shoot the metal piece up to hit the bell thing that you would always see on classic cartoons(where the guy was so strong the metal piece shot the bell into the sky)
That didn't happen with any of the contestants though.When I tried my first round,was suppose to try to hit the bell 2 out of 3 hits.The women and kids only had lower targets set by the game booth keepers though;about 1 for the kids and around 3-5 for the women depending on their first hit.I didn't manage to hit the bell first,the highest I went then was above 10 but below the bell(disappointed).So I really had to go again.(was not appeased).Watched a few of the other people whilst they did it,about 3 of the men in front managed to get it.I tried to observe their body movements whilst they struck the bell.The kids were cute though(there was one girl who really scared the crowd because she had difficulty lifting the hammer and nearly slammed down on her own toes 2 times.)When it came up to me,I just slammed it down like I observed some of the others do and WHOOTS,,,I DID IT XD.Was kinda happy about that.I won this tiny little PINK bunny stuffed keychain thing that was holding a smalle red heart with both hands.But okay,it was fun.

There was also a slap shot hockey booth.Was kinda tough but managed to do it.The criteria was to get the training ball(for hockey) into a slightly raised hole using a floorball stick.But it was okay,the floorball stick was short enough to use without blades and the training ball I was used to cos I used to play around with mine alot last time.My past street hockey experience helped me a little so I managed to strike it in.(my sis got a little jealous after that though and punched me for scoringO.O).

Signed up for Nebo that day to,had free memberships for children between 12-21 of union members.Didn't really appeal to me much except for the movie discounts at Cathay outlets island wide.(my sis hit me for that too cos she was too youngO.O)

Yesterday:
Took a walk to nearby parks with my mum and sis to play basketball.Just for fun sort of thing and got beaten up by my sis alot.When I was her age I could barely touch the net with the ball either,so i guess I can understand her frustration.

Nowadays,I'm starting to pick up a bunch of book I didn't notice around the house.Picking up origami,and finding interest in the different media and publishing perspectives on the ledgend of king Author.(the movie was ridiculously altered)

Complicated

2009-12-03T04:20:00.000-08:00

Nowadays,my bible study teacher(Uncle Oliver)often catches me on msn and asks how i am.I just say "complicated".Not that I mean to give the cold treatment,but its really complicated.Well,to be honest,I can break it up myself,but I really just didn't want to reveal much.

The sun shines brightly.

Trapped in my arcade,

my games are all here.

I need no one but npcs,

they fill my day

my social life

and my gut.

(and yet)

At night,

full of junk,

I feel so full

hungry

without appetite

and starving.

Wilting to the soul

(and yet)

Whats there out there?

Fresh blue skies,

Green grass

and moist warm air.

But nothing to do where freedom

awaits?

Nothing to do,

Nor someone

to do nothing with.

...

awaiting

someone

something

whilst nothing to look forward to.

Nothing out there

among the plains.

Not til someone stumbles upon,

my empty farmland.

But that's an if.

Not that I don't want to go out,I just don't know what to do.I don't feel like going anywhere that involves crowds.Maybe I'll pack for a casual blade or cycle round the neighbourhood someday,though perhaps I'll solo.oh wells,gotta see how.

Got addicted to sudoku recently too,my sis found a sudoku board game underneath a whole pile of other toys and stuff in one of her giant drawer cupboard thingies.Could go up to lvl 41 of 44 but got stuck at 42.

One of my younger uncles is having his passing-out-parade from BMT tmr,will be going to spectate to give some support.thats all for now.

Didn't go out today...

2009-12-02T02:58:00.000-08:00

As the title suggests,I didn't go out today,instead I voluntarily stayed home in the morning and then had to baby-sit my sis in the afternoon.The school stage project thing is on a halt for now,though most of the work is done.Mr Soh was suppose to put up the wooden board that we're using as a back drop for the stage today.Should have gone well I suppose,though as of yesterday,the group isn't meeting anymore until 23rd.Mostly because Mr D is in california(or Thailand) and Ms Claudia and Ms Lim will be busy till then.Just some touching up left to do.so far Ive gotten multiple paint splats here and there on my BB company T but non of the other Ts...(should have worn the girlish platoon T instead,wouldn't much mind that being altered.)Anyway,many other group members have gotten paint on their Ts and two of them on their shorts(cramped space and tired limps require a person to sit down but hinders their sight of sitting down,plus spray painting produces fumes.)

I'm really glad I took on this.I don't know about the rest of you,but I wanted to do it because it would have been one way for me to leave a visually artistic legacy behind.
Plus,I learned to socialise a little bit more.Have toadmit,I was kind of reluctant to know the other girls on the team,especially since I'm from a totally different small-scale generation so I felt kinda not fitting in.But they are quite nice people I guess,hilarious at times and all different and unique,it almost made me feel like I was surrounded by my BB crew again.So many close personas complimenting each other to cover each others' "blunt points" as Vivienne used to say.

I don't think I've acomplished much today,but I did find out I can burst 30 diamond push-ups easily now without requiring floor contact(standard or not,Im not sure,but it makes me feel good XP).I got tired around 33 though when I tried to burst a 36 after that(was playing with my dice in the morning and hit 2 6s the secong time round.

Reminds me of somethings.Just as a fun-fact,I heard from a friend that Taylor(playing Jacob on New moon) buffed up deliberately for the film.Apparently the director wanted to replace him due to being too short for the Twilight book's decription of a tall werewolf,and Taylor buffed up to keep the role.

2009-12-01T03:55:00.000-08:00

Was in scl again today.Worked on the stage board today.Spray painting with stencil and abit of free hand for a glossing effect.spray-painting skill + 10.I learned how to spread gloss in toner value or pure saturation.Also did alot of painting as the outline.DANG it looks soooo good.:) :) :) .Weren't many people today.Vivienne can't come anymore cos her parents are on work holiday so its more difficult for her to come down to Singapore and up to JB again everyday.( :( gonna miss her,she doesn't like staying home anyway and she pretty much only has Singaporean friends.) also,this meant the loss of our leader.

Just four of us today,but I'm glad of the accomplished work today.Took loads of pictures of it under different settings.Also,the hall has been open recently,:) I like the school hall.(random)
Anyway,one of the others sent me a whole bunch of Demi Lavato songs.She seemed surprised I wanted them.Is it really that wrong for a guy to like songs that don't rock in a chauvinist manner?

Anyway,not many people know this,but there was a package of stuff I left with Daniel before the prelims and 'O's.Some of you may know what it was all about.Anyway,I was asking him about it the other night,and I couldn't remember the contents of it but what I do remember it had something to do with ................................
He said it was a whole bunch of poems but I seriously did not remember those.only when I actually got them back yesterday did I briefly remember them.I almost couldn't believe it.I actually wrote all those?...
I ofgrto htsoe eflenisg I noec ahd ofr oyu.I od'nt vene nkwo fi htye vene tslil xesit, nad ephrpas I ow'nt nkwo nuitl I ese oyu gaian, ubt I imss oyu uqtie etrrbiyl. hcluyaaahselmynimato.
I olev oyu sa fairde, httas ofr uers.eLst ont rbaek octncat.

Recently,I've been missing Racheal alot more and at the same time getting closer to Wileen.I love them both as close friends.And if you two are reading this,I love you two.Racheal,you are fun to be with and to talk to.Wileen,you are like an older sister to me,your presence or influence has always been cure or pain-killers at least to just about every disaster that comes by me.I thank you both for being me friends.

Samantha and Jac,two of my closest non-guy friends that weren't in my clique.Friendships that had lasted since last year and giving me really helpful advice when my heartbeats short circuit my brain impulses.

Daniel Chow.For taking unto yourself to helping me guard my heart throughout the course of academic endurance so as not to become a distraction,for taking an older brother role to looking out for my spiritual life at the same time and for giving me someone to trust some of the most meaningful things to my heart to.

I just felt like commemorating these few people today.thnx for being in my life:).

Not that there aren't other people in my life that have been good to me,but these few I'd just like to commemorate today.

NEW MOON!

2009-11-25T17:09:00.000-08:00

blogging on behalf of yesterday cos i went home too late:
Had stage work today again.It eventually ended about 2 plus.Ths rest of the team arranged to go to an art exhibition but I told them I couldn't go cos I had other plans.(which i did)

Went to watch the movie new moon.One of my Dad's clients' wife got premier tickets to New Moon at lido.We got 4 tickets but my Dad had work to do so he didn't come along.I was allowed to invite a friend to fill up the ticket.Eventually I asked Racheal along.

The trip was a little awkward.We(Racheal,my sis and I) were suppose to meet my mum at Orchard Mrt station itself.It was a 500 year long trip.My sis got overly active and threw part tantrum and aggression.

It was so fake,after we got out of the train I just had to offer her a piggy-back ride and her frown reverted immediately...(oh well,she's kinda spoilt but she's cute anyway)

The movie itself was nice,but that too was kinda awkward,my mum kept trying to take pictures of me and her on the seats I was worried that she got the wrong impression O.O gosh,now know why I don't invite female friends home...-managed to escape without any pics anyway(or not that I know of)-

The movie was great,funny at certain parts,and dramatic when needed be.I won't give any spoilers but its not a bad movie choice.I have to admit I prefered the song tracks in Twilight compared to New moon.

The trip back was interesting.all the tired faces around me on the train and I didn't quite feel sleepy yet.Its a wierd feeling of invisibility.My mum and sis headed back home first at Admiralty.I accompanied Racheal back to her lift lobby first.To be honest I didn't really want to leave quite soon.Its been a long time since I last hung out with her and I miss her as a close friend.

Arts meet Art

2009-11-24T03:29:00.000-08:00

Im blogging on behalf of yesterday.
I introduced Wileen to the rest of the sec 3 art class heirs that were working with me on the stage.
It was GREAT,really,they managed to click almost instantly.OK,the first few minutes were a little tense cos I really wasn't sure if they would open up to each other as quick but wow.Really happy about that.I'm still the only guy on the workforce but now I feel more socially stable in the group with the introduction of Wileen rather than just feeling closest to Vivienne all the time.
Its wierd though,Viv was a hi-bye friend of mine when i was sec2 and she sec 1,didn't really think I would really connect after everything but she's just so happens to be in the group and she happens to be in charge.She didn't show up though(had dental appointment)so Wileen and her didn't meet afterall.But alot of the other girls commented that she had a character very similar to Vivienne.(does she?I didn't really notice to be honest.)I admire Vivienne for her leadership qualities and I gues i look up to Wileen like a big sister,so I guess in that sense alone they both would resemble some similar characteristics even from my own perspective.

Today:
Vivienne came today but not Wileen(had something on).
Touched-up on the spots to be pasted today and did some work on the wood(most of it was done by the earliest 3 before the meeting time itself though).Miss Lim treated us all to Mc Don's burgers for lunch.And everyone started talking about ghost stories.We didn't tell any,but Viv was sitting just opposite me and was talking bout how there has been multiple paranormal reports from genteng.(I've ever been there and I suppose the night mist can be quite scary).

When was the last?

2009-11-22T02:46:00.000-08:00

Well,here I am blogging again.Too be honest I've been feeling too lazy to come online recently and just decided to stick to my strategy and rpgs:warrior king battles/battle realms/battle for troy(i just realised the strategy games i play now always include 'battle' in its name)/Diablo and X2 wolverine's revenge.

played the two rpgs alot this afternoon and gave myself motion sickness from too much movement in X2:jumping around and crawling through holes and sneaking up for the corner strike/back strike/this and that strike without getting seen....then i went to sleep for 15 minutes and well,felt like updates.

Anyway,recently the thing i look forward most to is going back to scl on the weekdays were i voluntered to help mr D decorate the new stage in the canteen under the art department.Felt a little socially lost at first.Am the only sec 4 there and the only guy,the rest are all sec three girls.But okay,learning to overcome social phobia slowly,helps that the team leader was a hi-bye friend of mine before,and well,though they pretty much remembered my name alr,i'm still having trouble remembering all of theirs,but okay,our new batch of art class heirs aren't too bad(but i think the guy from the arts class are kinda lazy since i heard they were suppose to be helping but they scramed).

I have lots of work i wanna do,but can't seem to look for a part time job that pays(im still happy to be part of the stage decor still,theme is flipside and its one way i can leave my legacy in the school.:)

Colourgenetics.

2009-10-30T08:11:00.001-07:00

Name: RyosukeDate: 10/30/2009Colorgenics Number: 12567304
You are the sort of person that needs a peaceful environment. You seek release from stress and freedom from conflicts and disagreements, of which you seem to have had more than your fair share. But you are taking pains to control the situation by proceeding cautiously and you are right in doing so as you are a very sensitive person.
You like the better things in life. You are sensuous and emotional. You are a follower of the Arts and you seek an environment that will give you the fulfilment to the senses that you need.
Circumstances are holding you back, forcing you to back off and to forgo all the pleasures, fun and games for the time being. But this is only a temporary situation and before you even know it the situation could change.
Stresses resulting from a recent disappointment have led to considerable trepidation. It would seem that there seems to be so much left undone. Everything surrounds you with that air of uncertainty. You badly need to feel a sense of security and whatever it takes to protect you against further disappointment. At this particular time you doubt that things could be any better in the future but you are sticking to your guns and refusing to take advice from any source.
Since in the recent past all of your hopes and aspirations have been denied you, you are now convinced that the future will hold nothing but anxiety so therefore 'why bother?' You would love to get away from it all, to escape from the trials and tribulations of this mundane existence and fall into a peaceful and harmonious relationship, which will protect you from the lack of appreciation and give you the chance to start afresh.

This is specially meant for two people who aren't able to read this,so if you can read this,thank you for being my friend:)

2009-10-03T09:03:00.000-07:00

Upon a path that cuts through dense forest.for a while i thought i found,

Three companions to journey with.(I shall call them A,P and T;A of which joined us much later)

...

Cutting through the forest path,all air was our haven.The breeze in hot or cold or nil

always perfect.

Never could i lose the path,

all i had to do was follow my heart to the voices of sanctity.

(Why did I follow merely the emotion over logic?)

Pavement of mud beneath my feet.

...

Sooner came,the point of time,the path diverged

;into mine or A's...

P and T-

i watched them walk

all three

away

away from me.

...

i stood at the tip of the blade of green

afraid to proceed my own granted path.

Watching the three silhouetted figures walking towards the crimson Sun.

And for a while i thought i glimpsed-

figure P looked back at me,

from the extreme right of her share of path.

...

I had to proceed My own way!

...

Further up my own lone way,

I thought i heard some distant-

sniffles?sobs?silent depression...

I ran ahead along my path

and found

some point

my path came to two paths,

and it joined the narrow-er one;to the right

where a trail of shattered-ness beckonened me to follow.

...up i ran

and found by then

P sitting half-way through this new path.

Just P.

I needed not to ask what had caused those scars.

They were too familier.

But what i know for sure,

i wasn't completely right.

I wasn't right about the three of them,

i was wrong about her.

The only one who bothered to look back.

And i treasure her for that.

Now here i need not lone

for my path has widened.

And i know who travel with me for sure,

all it took was a path first wide

...

The two lost who tried to cast me behind,

and had forgotten the journey once shared.

The lost have lost their place on my path....

circle politics...(politics are most exciting only when you are at risk)

2009-10-03T08:27:00.000-07:00

The broken circle is definitely alot different now.Wileen goes back every now and then but has a different han out clique after school.Grace is alone most of the visible time except when Racheal hangs with her.Racheal hangs with evangeline mostly but goes back to Grace every now and then(especially when evangeline isn't around)[gee,i wonder].Oh wells,just things as i see it,may be deciphered differently by others.

Anyway,past few days were pretty fun.Found part thereof of a study group.mostly(pretty much 4e4 students.Yi shi/Maresh etc...and really actually helps.And below the sports hall is probably one of the most cooling and refreshing areas to study at into the night.

Went to Darryl's house yesterday with Vivien,Shi Min,Eileen and Yi Shi and i think i can remember the solubility table rather well now,not to mention the blast furnace.

This morning itself...hmm,came to school early to study again,(though eventually it was only Shi Min,Yi shi,Darryl and myself.Later went to study with two of Darryl's friends nearby Yishun.

Hm,nothing much else to say.oh wells.

Hmmm....what do i feel....

2009-09-20T04:06:00.000-07:00

I don't mean this against anyone;but my morals are clashing....its getting harder for me to tell good from bad....right from wrong....good enough-and yet to be....perhaps its true how the saying goes 'we only want what we can't have'....my failure to acknowledge what i have already reclaimed....

How did all this happen anyway....oh wells...some questions come without answers....

I've gotten Grace back as a friend,and I've gotten Wileen back...though its definitely not how i expected it to be;the clique isn't quite as close as it used to be....and well,between me and everyone here who can actually see this(some of you i've already told)....Racheal has pretty much grown under my skin already...it wasn't much time in the clique,but in a way there were times when i felt left out(being the one unable to recite multiple japanese phrases or recollect from manga scenes i don't know of)and Racheal was the one i could relate most to at those times....I don't know-just miss her i guess;though i never learned to appreciate her as much when she actually was around.That's why i say I'm not as innocent as my phenotype seems to be...i have my fair share of flaws too....sighs....oh wells...its alot of ranting here....

Anyway,i went to vivo earlier today,im not home yet but blogging from my mum's friend's house.I walked around abit but mostly followed my mum/sis/mum's friend/mum's friend's son.The kids wanted to play around with some of the water features.hmm....what else to say;Really miss hanging as a clique;Wileen/Grace/Racheal.....with that clique,it never mattered whether i was weak-strong/intelligent-average/emo-casual/random-systematic/lame-(er well,i was always lame so :)...) I could always be myself,and none of them ever seemed to care or be right in my face about it...Heck,i actually miss Racheal...well,come to think about it Racheal never was a bad person....there are no characters that are deliberately bad,just lost,and Racheal was a deep person in her own way...i miss her....i miss my clique...

well,i guess that's all for now...

well im back....

2009-09-10T06:09:00.000-07:00

haven't been blogging here for quite a while,but well,now i am.Have been sick on monday and tuesday with an influenza-like illness.started around 1pm on monday but had a low temp at first with some weak feelings.Went to a polyclinic in seng kang on tuesday(my mom's friend booked me a number early since she works there ;) )The doctor diagnosed me with influenza-like symptoms but told me that since H1N1 is so common in singapore nowadays,they don't bother to check for sure.But i got a six-day mc which ends this coming sunday,so il be back in scl on monday....and i heard from wil that there is compre waiting for me....oh wells...

2009-08-20T23:56:00.000-07:00

i won't be able to come online for possibly a long time...just once in a blue moon for this year especially....but well,to keep things short(no way sweet)...its hell here,and i dont even know to explain it but yeah......how do i put this....a sword that tears all up,and i cant decide if that sword i even hate or whether its even the sword...though im very sure i dont like what its tearing up....tear me apart...but plz dont tear them up... ;(

2009-08-11T04:45:00.001-07:00

Name: AndreDate: 8/11/2009Colorgenics Number: 12370546
You are the sort of person that needs a peaceful environment. You seek release from stress and freedom from conflicts and disagreements, of which you seem to have had more than your fair share. But you are taking pains to control the situation by proceeding cautiously and you are right in doing so as you are a very sensitive person.
Now there are many things in life that you require as essential to your well-being but, try as you may, something always seems to be getting in your way. A word of advice - 'keep trying' and you may be pleasantly surprised to see just how matters turn out.
Many people will consider you egotistical and full of your own self importance. On the surface you could well give this impression and perhaps the reason for this complacent attitude is because at times you indeed have that 'short fuse' and are quick to take offence.
You are pretending that the situation around you doesn't matter, but the effort of trying to conceal your emotions and anxieties is resulting in untold stress. The existing situation is disagreeable. You feel unwanted and lonely and you would really like to associate with someone whose ideals are as high as your own. You want to be above the standard of mediocrity and this need to be needed and that need to need has almost become an obsession. You are trying to magnify the need into a compelling urge. You would really like to tell the world how great you are but no, you are holding back because you feel that your peers may treat you with contempt. This is a great pity because you have in fact a unique quality of character, but the continual restraint that you impose on yourself makes you suppress this need for others and you pretend you don't really care. You treat those who criticise you with contempt. However, to be honest, beneath this assumption of indifference you really long for the approval and esteem of others.
You would like to be respected and valued for yourself and this can only be achieved from within a close and harmonious relationship.

Movie day:)

2009-08-10T06:58:00.000-07:00

well,today i started off having breakfast at the admiralty mc dons with darryl(well we both live nearby admiralty anyway)...After that,we were suppose to make our way down to ferrer park mrt station where we were suppose to meet uncle oliver to go to t-junction.But by the time we reached Douby Ghaut(i think i misspelled that somewhere),there was still time,so we went into an arcade first to kill some time...really fun...
When we finally met uncle oliver(destination was changed to a coffee shop nearby ferrer park mrt),we found that lots of ppl had to cancel...ironically also all the sec twos who were the ones who requested for this anyways.So there was just me,darryl,uncle oliver,and uncle oliver's wife there...had lunch there too.
At t-junction we watched a movie in the auditorium(im not sure if that was what it was)but it was really cool....one nice spacious air-conditioned room with a built-in theatre system and only less than a hand-full of us there lying down on the carpeted floor with custions we brought in from upstairs snaking and watching the movie...
After that,well due to this whole season of dramatic episodes,i got some counselling by uncle oliver's wife and it did help i guess...she helped me find my idealistic mentally-stimulated emotional retreat....(okay,im using cheem words...basically i found my happy place:) )
In the games room,uncle oliver was having fun with the x-boxXD so me and darryl helped ourselves to some of the other things;table-tennis,karem(if its not misspelled),table soccer,pool(smaller vesion but not the type you would find lying around in a box....its bigger than that).
sighs,,,movie day was fun....:)...
oh wells,there is school tmr....back into the water....hold my breath.....go to my happy place.....

i havent posted in a while,but yesterday was interesting no doubt.

2009-08-09T00:59:00.000-07:00

okay,so yesterday i didn-t really have any plans so all of a sudden my dad just asked me if i wanted to go for a BBQ at pasir ris park that my relatives' close friends(we just consider them as cousins/uncles/aunts) were having.So i brought my blades along and it was really fun.Overall i
-roller bladed
.around the park with the lust for speed(fell down once when i tried to jump off the peak of a speed bump....well i had done it successfully a few times before)
.cruised casually around with my cousin(shaun)

-skateskootered
.casually around the park with shaun,dynesh,hanesh
.got here and there around the playgrounds and stuffs
.FWAHAHA,the highlight,went all the way to the top of a sloping route in the park and went beyond that through some roads so that we cut abit into some landed properties and let the slope do the rolling for us(hanesh went first and we had this coordinate thing to ensure there were no cars.)...it was really awesome,me,hanesh and shaun were on skateskooters and dynesh was on his deck.mustve have hit 120km/hr AT LEAST....no i am not exagerating.)

-skateboarded
.one of my younger uncles who was a skater in the past taught me and shaun how to skate on the board...aint easy,we learned on dynesh's deck...i fell down at least-8 times i think?....but learned how to get the basic there and turning and stuff and did a 7-9 tictac in a row...:)

-played soccer
.hanesh's other cousin was there too,he played with us..he has that really karim type of character.so it was kind of fun still.
.later the ball went to the ocean while hanesh,dynesh and hanesh's other cousin wasnt there(idk his name)...it was shaun's ball,it was still reachable,but the thing was,i was wearing shoes,shaun was wearing slippers,but he did not want to get wet O.O...

-played catch with a toy rugby ball
.with hema,shaun and the little kids at first.
.later with hema shaun and hanesh
.later with shaun hanesh and dynesh.

-ate BBQ....
.most of the time i dont really like the food but i usually savour the drinks....F&N orange,coke,and some syrup thingy(well gassy drinks are okay once in a while right darryl?relax,il work out twice as hard on wed if i can...if not some other day...have something planned for tues)....
_________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________

Okay,another story....well i dont think the main ppl invlved would really read my blod that often so i dont think they will see this...there is always that chance but its very unlikely.So ayway...i think this whole cold war between wileen and grace is stupid.true,it gave each of them a slightly better understanding of each other.and for once in a long time i actually felt appreciated by them once again.but i just keep in mind to be prepared to have them distant again,from me that is.I know what youre thinking...andre,why are you so addicted to hurting yourself....this time,i am thinking straight i think.....its nice that i get to feel some visible connection between me and each of them again,but i cant bear to see them hurt...lost,new and small towards a world out there that they used to understand so well when they were with each other....so,as much as it may throw me to the side after all this,ive got to get them back together....

Dont get me wrong,i love them,but sometimes one has to strain his relationship with the ones he love for whats right.After this,when wileen and grace are back together again,racheal ill close up with them again somehow or rather.thatl leave me out again....well i am the guy after all,i am already in the process of preparing myself mentally again,she will get back with them and they will carry on with their lives...what i have to do is carry on with mine...*sighs*...i still love grace...romantically i mean,but thats why i must do this,and that is why this hurts.....but at least im doing the right thing right?its not like im walking out of their lives afterall,Il still be there for them.I wont ALWAYS be there for them but i WILL be there when they need me...anyways,what has to be done is to get grace and wileen back together,and them back together with the girl they find their emotional closeness with,then they will continue to finish up their rp-ing stories without me but their friendship with each other will be much stronger after this...

The snowflake.

2009-07-28T06:47:00.001-07:00

delicate and light
blissful and petite
careless and free,
gliding from the heavens so high,
among so many winter-drops,
and this snowflake caught my eye.
***
for once a snowflake
so unique
so crystal clear in its beautiful dance,
every unique extended angel wing,
twirling to form a halo so true.
***
among so many regular uniques
a snowflake caught my eye...
cool to the sight,warm to the touch,
perhaps its just a frost bite,
but a frost bite i treasure,
for the snowflake felt warm.Unlike any other,even amongst other few,
Grace,
that snowflake;
...
* * * * * * * * * * *it is you...

Sighs...what do i love about Grace...

2009-07-26T06:17:00.000-07:00

Did some thinking,whats so spacial about Grace....i know this phrase may be a little bit over-rated...but she is different,she's special,she not the usual kind of girls you see out there....*Sighs*...She is
-smart,that swift and bliss mind of hers.
-beautiful,how do i put this,she has that wow look,its not quite the make-up and blush and all tat that other girls usually do,but her look is so,beautiful all together.
-she has that self respect...gosh,need i say more,she doesn't wear short skirts,doesn't wear revealing or suggestive clothes,that is one thing that so many girls seem to get wrong nowadays....i love girls who dont try to get a guy's attention through seductive means...a girl with self respect is just so awesome to me....
-she has that sense of esteem yet isnt proud....she's humble,she is great in many ways,im sure she knows that,but she doesnt flaunt it like most ppl would,even i get carried away on a blue moon's night...but Grace has that good-hearted spirit.
-she is faithful even in friendship....throughout this entire drama series,even when Wileen herself gets into a bad mood at times,at least Grace still talks to me,and even on her more moody days,she won't blow me off just like that,she at least tries to keep her head straight....
-she is intelligent(wait,i alr said this....well,i admire her brains)
-her sense of humor is present when needed be...what can i say,sometimes i crack jokes in their presence which are really lame,and i only realise how lame it was after it leaves my mouth,and there is almost an awkward moment for half-a-second,but Grace usually breaks this awkward moment by laughing out anyways,be it a chuckle,a giggle or a grin,she relieves that awkward moment.Which brings me to my next point
-she is sensitive to atmosphere,the mood at hand,the feelings of various ppl and the right moment for things,she can detect it well...a girl who is sensitive to feelings....i admire her....
-her ability to bring out any random topic and just talk about it and it seems so fascinating all of a sudden...maybe she herself doesnt realise it,but when she speaks,her addressed audience always listen well,she has that power of narration.
-her trustworthiness,she keeps my secrets well,so well kept,and at the same time its like i can actually talk to her,about her,and she actually understands me in ways that i may not even understand myself...she keeps secrets so well....(id name examples but then I wouldnt be keeping a secret....)
(i think i should stop here,my head kinda hurts and so does my heart...i leave her because i love her...and now its like i just want to tell her all these but i cant,because ive cut her away from my life,and i forced her to cut me out....i made her promise....why did i hurt her so much...argh...i leave her because i love her....i love her.....)

T_T....its gonna be fine...its all gonna be fine....i will grow through this pain....

2009-07-25T06:41:00.000-07:00

im a handiman,thats what i do;i fix things,and i acknowledge what is broken(other matters)

2009-07-25T03:42:00.001-07:00

Anyways,not too long ago,one of my uncles' cpu could not work anymore,but what he was most concerned for was th data inside.So he gave it to my dad for extraction of data,but also let me hav it after that.Its just about the same type as my personal com cpu,so i salvaged its ram and hooked it up to my cpu:)...Though its kinda scary everytime i open up my com,not sure whether its gonna start again when im done,but yeah,whenever i finish whatever i want to do on the inside,it gives you that nice sense of accomplishment...My machine.....my coms runs noticibly faster now,it should,now it has two times the ram power it did before....*smiles*im pleased with my work....im pleased with myself....for once.....now im thinking of hooking an extra set of usb drives to my cpu sometime...already have the usb ports one side....extra ones...not to mention the rest of the extra cpu at my disposal for salvaging parts....:)

Eitherways,math today wasnt too bad,though i won't know for sure til the results return,but i did come accross a bunch of hi-byes and i guess.....well,....im listening to the song 'without you' by hinder;"and so now its safe to say what i never thought i'd say im fine,without you"....Somewhat involved with you-know-what,to those who do know....Darryl keeps asking me,"so you have decided to take this painful path instead of the other?"well,im just about getting through this path anyways,and besides,its not like i actually was in to be honest...i mean,there is a very noticable diffence between them hanging with each other and them hanging with me....oh wells.
*puts on head phones and starts listening to Robbie williams*,"as my soul-heals the shame,i will grow-through this pain..."....im not out yet,i cant get out of what i never was in,even if i did think i was in.but now,im just acknowledging it.....

The 30th annual Singapore symphony orchestra

2009-07-23T08:04:00.000-07:00

Well today after scl,had chem remedial followed by bio followed by art,though i only stayed till 5.15pm....I had to rush home and then meet my mum at city hall to go to the victoria concert hall for The 30th singapore annual symphony orchestra,and well,i DID enjoy it.The music was no doubt interesting,the thing i like best is observing the speed of the music and the different instruments used at any point of time,the base,the cellos...and the complicated manuever's of the violins...Adrian pang was there too,to introduce the different performers,Starting off with the young lads from ACS...they play rather well.But what really caught my eye was Pan Yi An,a pianist....She had one 40 min piece,it was beautiful,and the way she played,leading the rest of the orchestra and occasionally doing a solo throughout parts of the performance;whereby i admired her speedy and smooth work on the piano....Gosh...it was really good.There was a write up on her in the booklets given out,she apparently was recognised for her elite pianist abilities since she was pri 4....in fact,all the musicians that went up had rather talented histories....oh wells,my LIT ESSAY...eeek

Good news-bad news....

2009-07-21T06:03:00.000-07:00

T^T,well,spoke to daniel this morning,he was telling me he had good news...But bad news as well...the good news;morning worship is back(got kinda excited,i miss morning worship,a bunch of bros and sis' getting together for the same spiritual cause....)...then he spilled the bad news...;sec fours aren't allowed to participate...X_X....what?!?...apparently they don't want us to get unwell and unable to take the coming exams,so we still can't gather into a group as the other levels...but,we should still be able to do it in our pairs and personal groups....the fewer the more personal one can get with his/her prayers afterall...Daniel will spill it to the rest tmr morning,wonder how they will react...oh wells,getting to know a certain someone quite reasonably well,and he comes to join us every now and then...just need a little more spark to help him sustain combustion....:)

I have no idea what it is you think i'l hate you for,but it can't make me hate you

2009-07-18T18:21:00.000-07:00

I trust you,ive forgiven whatever bombs you may throw back even as i wait for you,i know my "wolf side" sometimes ignites my words on their way out,but i do miss you.....I'll be waiting for you...